How Small is Small Enough?

I really like Tyra Banks.  She’s a smart, savvy business lady with a great personality.  She had a long, successful career as a fashion and runway model before aging out of the industry and moving on to television.  I even like her show: America’s Next Top Model.  The segments with teen girls endlessly squabbling don’t interest me, but I love watching the creativity of the fashion shoots and then getting to see the finished product afterward.  I don’t usually watch daytime TV but I’ve seen a couple episodes of her talk show too and everything I saw focused on being positive and bringing awareness to important issues.  If I did watch daytime TV, her show, much like Ellen Degeneres’, would have been at the top of my list.

This is what Tyra looked like when she was modeling for Victoria’s Secret in 1997:

She recently stated in a letter to today’s models, that her size four body would have been too big for today’s fashion industry – in which the expectation is to be a size zero.  This is current Victoria’s Secret runway model, Chanel Iman:

I admit I can see the difference.  Tyra has boobs, curved hips and thighs and her body is more traditionally feminine looking whereas the current model is more of a boyishly straight column.

They’re both extremely beautiful people, and which you like better is really just a matter of preference.  They’re both slim, and to me anyway they both look healthy.  Tyra looks sexier to me, but there are probably plenty of people who would find Chanel sexier and that’s okay – to each their own.

I personally know a couple of people for whom a size zero is really their natural, healthy size.

It is, however, nowhere near the most common size for an average adult woman.  What Tyra was pointing out in her letter is that expecting models to ALL be a size zero is to inform the majority of them that in order to work in their chosen career, they need to deprive themselves of adequate nutrition.  It also means that the industry is still promoting the idea that the ultimate in beauty is to be zero.  Even then, what few bits of flesh remain on such slender bodies is studiously removed via photoshop to create a perfectly unblemished and smooth final product.

I’ve watched Tyra struggle with this on Top Model, trying to figure out if one of her contestants is just one of the naturally skinny types or if they have an eating disorder – it’s an exceedingly difficult  call to make.  I have seen her send girls home because she believed they were putting themselves in danger.  Right or wrong, she didn’t want to take the chance with a life, and I find that admirable.

My question though, is why has this trend in fashion gotten worse over time instead of better?

Despite criticism being heaped on the fashion and beauty industry for its ludicrous standards and expectations, some things still remain constant: politicians will lie, prices will rise, and women will always be expected to be thinner.

A few are fighting back.  In Israel models have been banned from runway jobs if their body mass index is less than 18.5 and Vogue has recently agreed not to use models who “appear to have an eating disorder” in all 19 of its worldwide editions.

But how can you say who “looks” like they have an eating disorder?  That’s a bit too vague for my taste.  And as I’ve pointed out before, using the BMI to determine anyone’s health is about as accurate as strapping a paper sundial to your wrist in order to accurately tell time.  Sure you’ll get a vague idea, but only a VERY vague one.

Occasionally the fashion industry will twitch a bit at some of the negative backlash and make token gestures like these, but overall the girls are still getting skinnier while the actual population gets heavier and the two are looking less and less alike.  When they do make concessions they feel hollow to me rather than bespeaking real change.  Even Tyra who I do admire, when casting “plus sized” girls on her show (and by plus sized, I am sadly referring to sizes eight and ten) will constantly focus on building those girls up in self esteem as though they must naturally hate themselves.  She tells them over and over how beautiful their bodies are and refers to them as “fiercely real” which, first of all implies that their more slender counterparts are… what?  Not real or fierce?  Secondly it focuses constantly on their size, which isn’t even big, it’s just slightly closer (but still below) what is average.  Why does so much fuss and attention have to be paid to their size at all?  They’re all equally gorgeous, so why can’t they all just be models instead of getting weighed, measured and slotted into the appropriately labeled box?

I can only assume that it must still be cost effective to advertize product on the most slender body available or else they wouldn’t still be doing it.  People must not want to see what fashion would look like on their own imperfect body even though in countless polls they have claimed to want exactly that.  The end result is that some of us have become so detached and bitter toward the fashion industry that we perceive it as something that relates to a whole different species of animal rather than to ourselves.

Despite what a bad dresser I am personally I actually do love beautiful clothes.  I wear glasses made by Michael Kors, who is one of my favorite designers.  Recently a friend of mine admired them (they are after all, quite cute) and I mentioned that I love the things that Kors makes, but since he, like most designers, hates fat women – the only thing I can have from one of his collections is glasses.  Part of me feels guilty for even buying them, because in a sense I picked up the one tiny breadcrumb he was willing to throw at me.  In retrospect it makes me feel pretty cheap.

Michael may or may not actually hate fat women, I don’t know – but that is the impression that he and all the others give by refusing to dress us.  They leave money lying on the table, because losing a sale is far better than seeing their lovely things on a hideously fat body.

There are layers upon layers of complicated reason as to why I despise shopping for clothes.

As for runway models, obviously they are not meant to reflect the general population and never will be.  But even a size four or six does not reflect the general population which tends more toward the ten and twelve end of the scale.  For models, apparently, sizes four and six are now too big.

What’s next?  Where is there to go after zero?

By and large I can’t boycott the fashion industry because it’s already boycotted me first.  Victoria’s Secret is one of the few high end stores that makes my size and I don’t shop there.  I made it clear to them years ago that I wouldn’t be shopping in their stores until I see some women in their ads who look average.  Keep in mind, I didn’t ask them for plus sized models – just average sized ones, and so far even that has been too much of a concession to make.

In the end I’m just one person screaming into the wind.

Until these people stop making money hand over fist, they’re not going to stop and it’s not going to change.  Basically thin people need to stop handing them wads of cash, but… why would they do that?  Why would they even care?  The fashion and beauty industries need to be struck at the bottom line for change to happen, assuming there’s anyone out there besides me who actually gives a crap.

And what would I do if after achieving my weight loss goals suddenly all the beautiful clothes I’ve always desired became available to me?  If suddenly I was welcomed into high end couture stores with a smile rather than given a puzzled or dismissive look?

I’d like to think I’ll be strong enough to continue to tell them all to sod off until they stop promoting beauty ideals that are unattainable for most of us.

Some days, I’m not so sure.

Edit:  I hereby publicly apologize to Michael Kors - as a reader was kind enough to show me, he in fact does design and carry a very attractive plus sized clothing line available at Macy's.  Go Michael!

Chemically Sweet Side Effect

It’s been just over a month since I kicked the chemical sweetener habit, and I feel pretty good.  I’m sleeping better than I have in years.

Most nights I’m sleepy and getting in bed at 11:00 to 11:30PM, which is about an hour and a half earlier than what has been my norm for the past few years.  I also fall asleep faster and feel less fidgety while lying in bed.  Last night was the first bad night I’ve had since kicking the habit, and I was still asleep by 1:30PM, so I still got five hours.  A bad night for me previously usually meant no sleep at all.

During detox, I did have a headache for eight solid days.  Not a terrible one, on a one to ten scale I’d grade it at about a three – but it was very consistent.  Then it cleared up, and I’ve been fine since then.

Occasionally I will gaze longingly at Ted’s can of Coke Zero, but other than that I’ve been fairly free of cravings.

There has been one downside: I am absolutely ravenous for refined sugar sweets.

Not being a doctor I’m taking my best guess at why this is.  Every day since my teens, I’ve had artificially sweet drinks on a daily basis, which means my tongue (and brain) were getting a signal that said: YAY, SUGAR! every single day.  Granted it was a fake signal and probably messing up my metabolism, but I still became very used to having sweet stuff (aka dietary crack) on a daily basis.  Twenty years worth of used to it.

Suddenly, that signal is completely gone.  When I drink, there’s no YAY SUGAR! there’s just water, or the refreshing, bubbly citrus of flavored seltzers.

So I’m craving sweet rather desperately.  Every day.  This unfortunately means I’ve been indulging in ice cream, or water ice, or a bag of MnM’s, or sugar laden hot chocolate every day.

So now I’m confronted with another addiction I’ve got to break to get through this.  My brain needs to accept that refined sugar and the taste of SWEET! is for special occasions only, not for daily use.  So, here we go again, another day another detox.

And I still miss chewing gum.

BLING!

Footnote: As a reward I got a new piercing.  Well, technically I had an old piercing fixed that had clogged up with yucky scar tissue, but isn’t the hoop cute?!  I’m getting a third set in September as a reward for my sugar detox.

Kick bad habit – get jewelry.  Sounds good to me, no?

I Don't Get It

Being a somewhat non-confrontational type, I traditionally don’t put these kinds of controversial opinions on my blog, but this solution seems so freaking simple to me I’m really not getting why it’s so difficult for apparently everyone else.  The never-ending debate is exhausting and I figure I must be missing something.

The government has no business, nor qualifications for deciding anything about the relationship status of its citizen’s personal lives.  The government is run by a bunch of amoral jerks fighting like rabid dogs over power and a popularity contest – are these really the people who should be making relationship calls for anyone?

From the government’s perspective, all that should matter is that two, three, ten, twenty, I don’t care – a whole town full of people who are consenting and at least 18 years of age come to them and say: “We wish to bind our lives together legally.”

Why they wish to do this is not the governments concern, nor is anything that goes on in the bedrooms or social lives of the people who asked.  Their gender; be it man, woman, or “other,” also need not apply.  All they should care about is:

A)    Is this fully consensual?

B)     Are the people involved of legal age?

Those criteria are met?  Great!  Then the government goes: “Okay, here’s the documentation so that you can do that.  Process it, turn it in, and you’re all set.”  I admit it’s not romantic, but at least it’s simple.

Then those people are legally bound and may enjoy the benefits under the law that such a recognized union represents.  They will remain bound until one of them dies, or they decide to process paperwork dissolving their union.

Are they two lifelong friends?  Are they a man and a woman?  Are they two men or two women?  Do they have a romantic relationship or just a business partnership?  WHO CARES?!  Doesn’t matter!  Why they wanted the union is nobody’s business but their own.

Then, if two people would like a marriage, either as a religious ceremony or as a non-religious one, they are free to find a church or non-religious officiant in line with their own beliefs, and have one.  The government should take no more interest in it than they do in baptism or confirmation (which is to say: none).  Individual churches are free to officiate marriages (or refuse to) in line with their own beliefs.  The government will not be required, or able to force a church to perform a ceremony that isn’t in line with their beliefs, nor block two people from having one in a church that agrees to it.

In short: I do not believe that it’s the government’s place to approve nor disapprove the personal relationships of it’s citizen’s.  Should they legally recognize a consensual partnership of some kind?  Yup.  And that’s it.  Hey, guys?  Yeah, you up there on capital hill?  Keep us safe, keep the roads intact – and otherwise, butt out.  Thanks!

Yes, I realize that gay people are still going to have a hard time getting a marriage ceremony in a mosque or deeply conservative church.  Hey, I’d love to have had a bat mitzvah, they sound like a hoot – but not being Jewish and all I doubt I’d be able to find a synagogue to give me one.  Such is life. There are still liberal or non-denominational churches available for such things, or non-religious official types who can be hired to perform whatever lovely wedding ceremonies a couple would like, I’ve been to quite a few.

The point is that by making marriage none of the government’s danged business I genuinely believe that this problem would be solved.

Everyone is free, nobody’s rights are getting stomped on, and everyone is happy.  Right?  Every single person (religious and non-religious alike) I’ve proposed this idea to has thought it was a decent solution.

So WHY is it so hard to make happen?  As far as I know, nobody is even fighting for it because they’re way too busy finding inventive ways to tear one another apart.  Am I missing something?  I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

Sweet!

My time scouring the internet for new and useful information on health and weight loss has turned up the following possible (and scary) side effects related to the daily consumption of artificial sweetening agents:

• The taste of sweetness in the mouth triggers a release of insulin in the body.  Since there’s no actual sugar being consumed, that insulin will cause blood sugar to be stored in body tissues.  Because actual blood sugar does not increase, this can cause hypoglycemia or hyperinsulinemia, both of which  cause the consumption of more food at the next meal.  Due to these effects, overall calorie intake increases over time along with body weight.
• The natural  feeling of fullness and satisfaction is not achieved with the consumption of artificial sweetener as it is with sugar, leading to a dissatisfied end state and cravings for more sweet.
• Population based studies have turned up evidence of increased overall weight gain among diet soda consumers over time.

It is important to note that the actual scientific experiments performed in the studies above were performed on rats, not human beings.  Still, the results are disquieting.

Personally I only drink diet soda (two to three cans a day) at dinnertime.  Dinnertime is also the meal at which I habitually overeat.  Breakfast and lunch are not my trouble zones, and breakfast and lunch for me are almost always accompanied by water.

Is the diet soda stimulating my appetite?

Following my long tradition of using myself as a guinea pig (since no one else will let me experiment on them) I have given up artificial sweeteners as of two days ago.  So far I feel fine, about normal.  Maybe a bit headachy but my insomnia has been bad lately so I blame that more than withdrawal.  It’s also possible that since diet soda was my main vehicle for the delivery of caffeine that my headache is just caffeine withdrawal.

Note that I am not going to chow down on real sugar instead, that stuff (although natural) has its own host of health problems attached.  I’ve started drinking flavored seltzer with dinner and adding squeezes of citrus or crushed mint leaves to my water.  I get bored with plain water all the time and I figured a few bubbles may ease my soda cravings – I’ve been drinking it all my life so I have no illusions that quitting cold turkey is going to be easy.

I’ll check back in a month and see what, if any, effects this has had on my hunger impulses.  Assuming I haven’t been committed or arrested by then.

P.S. I already miss gum.

Superior

I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

Since beauty is subjective, believe it or not, the above statement is true.  It’s only true according to Ted, but that doesn’t make any it less accurate.

It’s also true that there are many people who find my figure repulsive and would sincerely beg not to have to see me in a swimsuit.

C’est la vie.  As one of my favorite drummers once said: “I prefer not to count the people that think that I suck.”

Chances are that you, as a woman, have at some point in your life seen a fellow woman somewhere and quietly, in some part of your psyche, felt that you were either superior or inferior to her.  You may have done this because she looked homely to you, or was older or younger than you are, or had a face you thought was pretty, or hair you found beautiful.  It is very likely that your brain regurgitated the chemical set to make you feel this because she possessed either more or less body fat than you do.

You didn’t do this because you’re a bad person, you did this because you’ve been conditioned to weigh and measure yourself against the females of your species around you since the day you were born.

I have done this.  I’m about a hundred pounds overweight but it’s still easy enough to find a woman who is bigger than me.  On the flipside, I’ve also seen women bigger than me and marveled over how beautiful they were, but on occasion I have been guilty of thinking, before I could stop it: “whew… at least I’m not that big.”

Maybe they weren’t carrying it in a way I thought looked good or maybe they didn’t appeal to my particular beauty aesthetic.  I can generally find something lovely about most women, but I admit it’s not universal.

I automatically, with no ability to stop it, believe in some part of my subconscious, that anyone thinner than me is also in a certain sense – better.  There are multiple reasons for this; the first being that I’ve spent my life besieged by imagery of slender women as the ideal and epitome of beauty.  I can’t get through a grocery store checkout without having to stare at ten different magazine covers trying to tell me how I can lose weight, lose weight, lose more weight!  More personally, since I’ve been struggling to be thin since I was around fourteen, I see that thin women already have something I’ve been working to obtain for well over half my life.  Since they have achieved what I could not, they must be better than I am.  I suppose that to my brain it’s like the obvious fact that someone with a Doctorate is more educated than me, they know more.  Similarly someone thin has (in my subconscious) done more work and conquered the gluttony that besieges me.  They have willpower, they have control, they are strong where I am weak.  They are able to not eat.

To be honest with you, right now as I write this I am feeling slight guilt for planning to have the audacity to not think upon myself as inferior to skinnier girls.

Human females have the exact reverse power dynamic to almost every other animal species on the planet – the littlest of us is considered to be the most powerful.  I think this is largely due to the fact that we live in a world where we no longer need to defend ourselves physically in order to survive.  A beauty aesthetic agreed upon by a collective, rather than actual bodily prowess, determines our pecking order.

The reverse can also be true.  There is a counter movement that praises the curvier woman and demeans the slender.  Although this tactic is temptingly comforting to us heavy types, it still simply reinforces the exact same belief that we’re superior or inferior to one another based on nothing but the mostly arbitrary fact of how we look.

I don’t think men are the primary source of this problem.  We’re all responsible as a society of course, but in my experience it has rarely been men taking the reigns of this hate show.  When I have had fat taunts chanted at me in grade school, when I have been ostracized from the rest of my group by clothing stores, when I have read something on the internet or watched a news report that spewed vitriol and ugliness about people like me, it has almost always come from women.  I firmly believe that those women are regurgitating this filth (toward the slender and heavy alike) because inside they truly do hate themselves more than anyone else.

That isn’t something to get angry or outraged over, that is something to truly weep for.

As for men, despite my lifetime of being overweight, I have never gone lonely for male attention when I desired it.  Men (at least the ones I choose to hang out with) seem to find my particularly lush figure as either erotic, adorable or simply as okay as any other female figure because GIRL = GOOD!

I admit I do hang out with particularly cool guys.  The guys who thought otherwise in my presence have usually been kind enough to keep their opinions to themselves.

So why do women do this to each other?  Not being a sociologist or a psychologist I can only guess that it’s related to the same animal instinct that causes mountain goats to butt heads and lions to try to eat one other – we have an evolutionary instinct to be on top.  Humans though are much more than just our collection of blind instincts, we can fight this.

My challenge to you is this: pay attention to it.  When you feel yourself doing it - stop, and gently reinforce the truth.  No I am not better, no I am not worse – we are all merely different.

We have to teach ourselves to be so much more than a blind pecking order based on visual imagery.  We have to fight every day against our gut instinct to weigh and measure ourselves on a value scale based entirely on a body that is only going to wither and rot. 

What about you will remain?  In some systems of belief, absolutely nothing - which leaves behind only how you lived and treated yourself and others while you did it.  For me, what is inside is eternal, but this body will be so much dust in a mere eye blink of geological time.  I have a responsibility to care for it while it lives, but in the end of things it will not matter.  Certainly how it looked on a beauty scale decided by one small-minded and selfish culture will blow away like so much chaff.  I believe that if you can stop finding yourself superior or inferior then you can also begin to stop hating yourself as well.

I am not better, I am not worse.  I am simply here.

Tech is Great

Until it breaks.

Then it’s just about the most frustrating thing in the world.  For Christmas, my husband bought me a Smartphone.  I’d been wanting one for awhile and we hit up some of the post-holiday sales to get me a good deal on a really nice new one.

For the past six months it’s been great, I’ve enjoyed my new phone immensely.  I work in a place where you’re not allowed to use your computer for personal reasons even while on lunch break, so it was good to be able to retreat to the lunch room with my phone and check my personal email and other internet based things.

As Smartphone users go though, I’ve been pretty boring.  I barely use Twitter, I’ve downloaded about five APPs since purchase (hello Angry Birds) and I text fairly infrequently.

Yesterday morning, I noticed that my phone was hot to the touch.  I’m not an IT tech like Ted but I know enough to know that heat and computer devices are not a good combination.  By the time lunch rolled around and I pulled out my phone to go check my email, the battery was nearly dead and it was declaring that I had, “no service”.  Since I had unplugged it from charging that very morning before driving to work, I knew something was seriously wrong.  I turned the unit off.

This morning it was about as active as a rock, even plugging it into the wall I couldn’t garner a response from it, so – I called Verizon.

Here’s my problem; I don’t mind that the unit died, computers do that.  They’re wonderful but persnickety and sometimes tech just fails, even tech that’s only six months old and has been gently used that whole time.  What I DO mind is being talked to like I’m an idiot.

Yes, I realize that customer service people have difficult jobs and do talk to a lot of idiots who do dumb things.  (What do you mean my phone won’t work after I’ve dropped it in the toilet!?)  However, when I tell you that the phone is not broken because I’ve stupidly downloaded an untrustworthy APP I would appreciate being believed.  I haven’t downloaded any APP in the last month so I find it beyond the realm of unlikely that the copy of a Rovio game I acquired last month has suddenly caused my name brand phone to spontaneously and irreparably break due to incompatibility.  I would also thank you to believe me when I tell you I am smart enough not to download things from untrustworthy sources ever, either to my home PC or to my Smartphone.

I have been using a computer successfully for the past twenty years now, I am not new to this rodeo and I am also not a moron.

Basically Verizon’s advice on how to avoid your phone breaking is that it’s all usually the fault of users downloading bad APPs that we’re too stupid to avoid, so never download APPs even though running them is half the purpose of the device.

Whose an idiot now?

After getting lectured on correct Smartphone usage all the while performing a master reset on the device, as the touch screen then proceeded to stop responding, the customer service rep on the phone finally reluctantly agreed to send me a new unit.  They refused, however, to send me a new battery as well.  Apparently sending out a new phone and battery at the same time to replace broken ones is, “against their policy”.  So even though they admitted the battery becoming hot is a problem and that it shouldn’t be doing that, I’m getting only a new phone into which I have to put the old battery which may in all probability fry the new one just like it did the old one.

When that happens, then they will send me a new battery as well, and I guess another new phone too.

Oh – and since today is Friday none of this can happen until Monday, so I have no phone for the weekend.

But remember – it’s all my own fault and I’m the idiot, not them.

UPDATE:  After I told Ted this entire story he became irritated on my behalf and called Verizon back to complain.  They promptly apologized and agreed to send us a new battery with the new phone, as well as knocking a discount off our next bill and informing him that they would be reviewing and retraining the rep that I spoke to.  Basically he had an ENTIRELY different experience from mine.  While I am happy with the results I'm also somewhat offended because I believe his completely different experience resulted from his voice being obviously male while mine is obviously female.  Both of us are kind and polite in conversation both in person and on the telephone.  He does not agree, and plans to teach me his technique for getting stuff done while making everyone love him at the same time.  We shall see.

Dr. Misfortune

My husband has a fictional alter-ego: a brilliant but extraordinarily unlucky super-villain named Dr. Manfred Misfortune.  While cleaning up some files yesterday, I stumbled across the Misfortune Manifesto as written by Ted almost ten years ago.  Seriously... how could I do anything but fall completely and utterly in love with this man?

****************************************************************************

THE MISFORTUNE MANIFESTO

By Doctor Manfred Misfortune

When I take over the world, the following directives will be enacted and enforced (unless something goes wrong, of course):

1. I will abolish the little red strings that are supposed to open Band-Aids and never work.

2. Households with cats will get a tax cut…but those with dogs will get a tax hike. Evil geniuses favor cats, not dogs. Did you ever see a dog on a Bond villain’s lap?

3. Scientists (mad or otherwise) will get preferential treatment in bank lines, car wash lines and fast food lines.

4. All sports teams will be dissolved and all sports will be outlawed, except badminton. Robotic gladiatorial combat will become the new international pastime. 

5. I will appoint the Panda as the Minister of Punctuation. If the Panda says no, the immediate execution of the offender will take place.

6. Top hats will be brought back into style.

7. All men are to have goatees. If you cannot grow a goatee, one will be appointed for you.

8. Smoking will only be allowed at the base of rockets (not the Rocket Base, the base of the rocket) or at the place of annihilation by Thermal Death Ray®.

9. Fish Slapping Day will replace Valentine’s Day. All births will take place on Labor Day and everyone shall get a bottle of wine on Arbor Day. July 26^th will hence forth be known as Emperor’s Day and all places of business will be closed to celebrate (except Fuddrucker’s Hamburgers).

10. All future Tom Cruise movies will be banned, all past ones will be collectively erased from history. I shall create a time machine to accomplish this. Oh wait…apparently I already have and it’s gone poorly. Tom Cruise is now President and Scientology is the national religion. Whoops. Excuse me while I fix this…oh no, now I have a tail. Let me try this one more time…@h, th@t’$ b3tt3r. 

11. THERE IS NO NUMBER 11!

12. Scallywag.