It’s been gently brought to my attention by a couple of folks that I
seem a bit… er… angry, of late. I think
the subtext of this is that my caring friends don’t want me to wallow in the
negative, or let the world get me down or make me give up.
I always walk a fine line between struggling to accept myself at any
size and feeling as though the “fat acceptance” movement is just a well
organized way of admitting defeat.
I realize that I’m a contradiction: I believe in fighting for
acceptance and equal treatment for people of every size, but I also cannot truly
accept the size that I am and desperately wish to join the ranks of normal
weight people. I want encouragement, and
yet I want to be left alone because it’s my
problem. Mine. Not yours.
The truth though is that the anger is a symptom of me flirting
dangerously close to the edge of really giving up, and obviously people can
read past all my ranting and see that. I
apologize.
I’m going to try to be more positive and find some more helpful and
hopeful things to write about. For now,
I’m reading a positive and encouraging book called Half–Assed. It’s the story
of a normal girl losing an extraordinary amount of weight through some pretty
everyday means. It’s written by Jennette
Fulda, who encouraged me (unwittingly) to start my own weight loss blog three
years ago.
Her weight loss blog (www.pastaqueen.com) is still up, though no longer
being added to because she’s in the maintenance part of her journey these
days. I encourage you to buy her book,
she’s quite funny and has a lot of helpful thoughts. Her more current blog (about life, the
universe, and everything) can be found at the lower right corner on my blog
list and is called JenFul – it’s updated pretty regularly.
Also, here’s my updated list of lifestyle changes – just because I
haven’t posted it in awhile:
1)
No chemical sweeteners
2)
Low caffeine
3)
Low meat (3 to 5 servings weekly)
4)
Low refined sugar (3 to 5 servings weekly)
5)
Healthy snacking (no bags of snacks in front of
the sofa)
6)
Five half hour exercise sessions weekly (or more
if possible)
7)
No abusive thoughts or language toward me!
And three new ones:
8)
By-weekly weigh ins (the batteries died on my
scale and I haven’t replaced them)
9)
Mandatory 15 minute wait before second helpings
at dinner
10)
Don’t eat when not hungry!
My plan might seem simple because I don’t have to weigh measure and
write everything down, but it’s starting to get to be a lot to remember. I think I need to carry around a cheat sheet
or something.
Also… that last one? About not
eating when not hungry? It’s the hardest
of all. For real.
In my experience, when it comes to blogging, the best attitude is "It's my blog and I will whine/bitch/cheerlead/giggle/rant/promote what I want to.
ReplyDeleteBesides, controversy and rants get more visitors. *wink*
I do not find that wanting to fight for acceptance and lack of "ism" against people of various weights and also wanting to change yourself to be contradictory. In fact, I believe those of us that struggle with these things are the best ones to speak out because we have experienced the discrimination and shame.
Same goes with age. I am quite vocal when I see ageism, and yet I am not always comfortable in my own skin, but I will still grab a stick when someone refers to "stupid old people" or something.
Keep on truckin'. I love your blog.
It's funny, every now and again I turn to a friend or my husband and ask: "Am I being an obnoxious activist right now?" I've spent so long fighting against this stuff at this point that I sometimes can't tell when I've gone into rant-mode anymore.
DeleteAnd augh, yes - ageism drives me nuts too. I never did that when I was a kid, and I don't accept it when kids do it to me (or others).
Thank you for reading!
I applaud and bow to your persistence and determination, especially because those are my demons—I'm FABULOUS at procrastination and justification of same, but I fail miserably at going the distance. I think you have a brilliant plan working for you, but I would like to make one little suggestion: Stay away from the scale for at least two months at a time. When I finally decided to make a real effort at getting in shape and losing weight, the first thing I did was abjectly refuse to get on the scale more often than once every two months because I knew that as much as our weight fluctuates, I would be derailed in a nanosecond if I relied on the scale to tell me whether I was succeeding or failing. I chose instead to use how I felt and how my clothes were hanging on me to determine if I was making any headway. Then when I DID get on the scale and saw that I had made significant progress, instead of 3lbs lost and 2lbs gained back within 14 days, it spurred me on to work even harder—well, to at least stick with my plan. So consider putting distance between your hard work and the scale and let your body tell you how well you're doing instead. At least for me, that was one of the very best decisions I ever made in trying to lose weight. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to stay away from the scale but it is so not easy!
DeleteOn the upside my pants are huge... my co-workers keep harassing me to buy new ones but I refuse to until the ones I'm wearing actually hit the floor without being unzipped. I can't afford to buy new clothes every size!
“I want encouragement, and yet I want to be left alone because it’s my problem. Mine. Not yours.”
ReplyDeleteCorrect. And there is nothing conceivable wrong with that, no matter what others believe. Even the most sincere encouragement sound hollow when your mood is in the wrong place. And that’s another thing; we live in a world full of people on psychoactive meds because society decided it wanted polite, even civility at all cost. (Yes, I admit, I’m on anti-anxiety meds. If you knew me ten years ago and compared that to now; I AM better living through chemistry.) Also correct; it’s your problem, no one else’s. Where your problem may be common, your reaction to it and the emotions that go with it are your own. The entire world can say they understand, and you know they understand on their terms, not yours. You probably don’t need reinforcement here but, really; don’t worry about it, you’re entitled to that tiny piece of defensiveness and individualism.
“The truth though is that the anger is a symptom of me flirting dangerously close to the edge of really giving up, and obviously people can read past all my ranting and see that. I apologize.”
Wrong, your anger IS a symptom of your frustration and despair, but it is also how a lot of people get through the rough patches. Don’t apologize. It’s just anger and frustration; a lot of comedians base their entire career on that. It’s not hate, it’s not abuse; don’t worry about it. Anger is a defense mechanism, and please believe me when I say this, IT WILL PASS. I’ve been there, I’ve done that; I spent years keeping my anger and frustration to myself, then gradually realized I wasn’t angry any more. Offer yourself the same patience and understanding you offer everyone else. You may backslide; forgive yourself and move on. Take care of yourself, mentally and psychologically as well as physically.
And, yeah, I do understand the thing about not eating when not hungry.
I have been (at two points in my life) chemically moderated as well, and am grateful for the medical intervention into my anxiety-prone state. It was a huge help when I needed it!
DeleteThank you so much for what you said here... I'm sorry it took me so long to reply, school has started and left me without the proper time to devote to my blog. However, this really touched me as well as made me think. It was something I really needed to hear.