A journey in words...

Welcome to my journey in words! A story about health, exercise, weight loss, food addiction, humor, size discrimination, sarcasm, social commentary and all the rest that’s rattling around inside my head...

I now twit, er... or tweet. Anyway, you can follow me on twitter @Aeon1202

Thursday, December 11, 2014

The Disappearing People

We live in a society which teaches us daily that one of the highest accomplishments people can achieve is to essentially disappear.

Recently I was having a conversation with my Mom-in-law about weight loss and something occurred to me; I cannot say that I’m losing weight, “for my health.”  I can’t do that because it’s a straight up lie.  Yes, the functionality of my joints has absolutely improved with weight loss, that makes simple mechanical sense – something load bearing which bears less of a load is going to last longer.  Other than that I had no health issues whatsoever when I was 75 lbs. heavier, and in fact in one very real way the year of persistent starvation conditions have made me less healthy.  I always had very slight heart arrhythmia issues, now it’s something I have to live with daily (yes, my Doctor is monitoring the situation).  Also, I used to have perfect blood pressure and now I do not.  Now it's slightly high.

The more I research, the more I learn how many of the studies detailing the health benefits of weight loss are created and funded by people who financially benefit from the weight loss industry.  It's looking more and more credible that the reason many people have health problems is because they have spent a lifetime yo-yo dieting which is, demonstrably, quite extremely bad for you.  To say I'm feeling lied to and disillusioned by the whole thing, not to mention beyond fed up with the supposed "obesity epidemic" would be something of an understatement.  The reason I want so badly to get to my goal weight at the moment is so that I can stop starving my body and let it finally recover from this awful roller coaster.

I've said it before and I will again: except for people on either extreme end of the scale, I believe that being a stable body weight, regardless of where you fall on the BMI, is always healthier than losing or gaining significant amounts of weight.  Bodies hate change.  Bodies will fight you, punish you and give out on you attempting to maintain homeostasis because homeostasis is precisely what is the most effective at keeping you alive.

I know the obvious answer here is to stop.  Stop right where I am.  But I can’t.  I cannot let go of the ingrained, conditioned, social desire to keep on disappearing.  The rewards are too intoxicating, too deeply written in the roots of my psyche since the day I was born.  I want more and more of beautiful clothes, compliments, and fitting effortlessly into everywhere and anywhere.  I am beyond ashamed to admit this, but even the smug, idiotic feeling of superiority that comes from turning down desserts over and over and over again – I am addicted to all these things.

This week a lovely, loving woman I know said to me that her best motivation for weight loss is having to look at herself naked in her full length mirror when she gets dressed in the morning.  I could have cried.  Not just cried, but sobbed.  This is a woman who has told me over and over how beautiful I am (and she absolutely meant it), and who is currently at her goal weight.  Meaning she weighs at least 50 lbs. less than me.  In her eyes, I’m beautiful and she’s essentially monstrous because she still hasn't disappeared enough.

When will it ever be enough?

I wish I had some happy, hopeful note to end this on, but that’s just not the head space I’m in at the moment.  I want to tell my friend over and over that she’s beautiful just as she is, and just as she was before she lost 100 lbs.  I want to tell her that it doesn't matter what anyone anywhere thinks of her appearance so long as she is content with it.  I want her to believe me, but I know that she won’t.

We can believe that for each other but no one ever does for themselves.  Not even me.

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