Bring the Pain

So I’ve been doing pretty good getting to 10,000 steps every day, which isn’t easy when you sit at a desk for work. Fitbit has new software that reminds me once per hour to get up and move around, which is both helpful and annoying. I think I’ve been spotted a few times at the office muttering curses in the general direction of my wrist when Little Brother nags me to go walk around during the day.

My primary problem right now is pain. When I get to 10,000 steps whether by treadmill or walking outside or going to Zumba, I’m in pain when I lie down in bed at night. My hip hurts (I was born with dysplasia so there’s no getting around that since it’s an abnormally developed joint) and my legs ache pretty badly from simple DOMS. The leg aches make me restless because they’re relieved a little by shifting them around in bed.

Also, Zumba is causing me anxiety because I get really red in the face, which is both embarrassing and unsettling to look at. My heart rate is at peak almost the whole time during a Zumba class, which may be partially caused by how hot it is in my gym’s workout room. It’s a small, poorly air conditioned space so the temp inside soars in the summer, and ‘hot Zumba’ is not advisable the way ‘hot Yoga’ is. I’ve noticed I don’t have this problem when I go to special Zumba events at my local YMCA, whose workout room is essentially a meat locker. It’s too cold when you first walk in but once you get going, it’s awesome. I’m not sure what to do, I like to push myself during Zumba but I really don’t want to die in the middle of a Cumbia.

I can take Tylenol PM or Advil in the evenings which helps a little, but I don’t really want to take an analgesic every single night and leave it sitting in my stomach (and potentially burning a hole in the lining) as I sleep.

Is this going to get better? Or is working out while fat and post-40 just always going to hurt and possibly be dangerous? It's a bit depressing right now.

Status Report: 5 lbs. lost, 32 lbs. total

I’ll be weighing in on Fridays and today’s weight was 263, down 5 pounds from my regain weight of 268 and down 32 pounds from my starting weight of 295. That’s a bit fast, but my first week making changes usually sees a big drop, and I know it will slow down considerably quite soon.

I managed to make myself sick yesterday eating too much crappy food for lunch, then working out a lot when I got home. My stomach felt so bad I wasn’t even hungry for dinner so I skipped it – and that NEVER happens to me. Also with my health anxiety issues I can’t get indigestion without suspecting I’m having a heart attack, so… that was fun.

My last status report like this was dated September 10^th, 2014 and I was at a 74 lb. loss back then. Boy howdy, it’s hard to have been knocked this far back.

You’ll also notice that I disclose my weight pretty freely. I’ve long been annoyed by the stigma surrounding body weight and that’s my own small, personal way to fight it. Are you horrified by my weight? Do you hate me for how much I weigh? I’m guessing the answer is no. Largely, you probably don’t care what I weigh other than vaguely being happy for me when I lose some. Just so, nobody really cares what you weigh either (unless they’re a fat-shaming jerk). As the saying goes, “those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind.”

Nowhere to go from here but down.

Beginning (Yet) Again

There haven’t been a lot of blog posts lately because I’ve fallen into a really lousy place with my fitness and health. I put back on 50 lbs. of the 78 that I had lost, and working out became really really difficult.

Mostly, I’m annoyed to have to do the same work all over again and that the endocrinologist from the HMR clinic, who stated to my primary care doctor that if I left his care I would just gain all the weight back, appears to have been right. I hate for that jerk to be right, but still had to leave the HMR program because losing weight just isn’t worth it if you also lose a healthy liver in the process.

I digress.

I’m trying to get back on track, but since I turned 40 everything has become harder. My already sluggish metabolism has slowed further, my set point is higher, my hip hurts, my heart rate feels way too high when I do exercise. Most likely I’ve harmed myself in ways I’m not even fully aware of by weight cycling yet again, but I don’t know what else to do other than get back on the horse and try, try again. Accepting myself at this size is still not an option.

So I’m trying to get back to daily workouts, zumba, the treadmill, yoga - a combination thereof that keeps me active every day. I’m trying to get in 10,000 steps per day and I treated myself to a new Fitbit (the Charge 2 which I’ve nicknamed ‘Little Brother’) to help me keep track of things. I actually earned the Fitbit for free, because my health insurance company kept sending me gift cards when I synched the data from my old Fitbit to their website so they could see how much I worked out. Sadly, as always, working out a lot doesn’t make you lose weight if you still eat too much. My old Charge HR Fitbit (which I nicknamed ‘Santa’) was sent to one of my best friends so we can both track and help support each other – which helps a lot.

I’m also reading a new book which has a method for conquering binge eating that I’ve not tried before. Binge eating remains the diet-related problem that is keeping my weight high; I love healthy food and I’m very knowledgeable about it but it all goes out the window when I arrive home from work alone in my house, physically and mentally tired, and hungry.

Anyway... starting weight 268, goal weight 180. Here we go. Yet again.

Thoughts on Memorial Day

Years ago I was having an online chat with a friend of mine who'd served a long career for the United States military before the collective weight of physical and emotional scars he'd received forced him into retirement.

I asked him, that night, what had made him do so much and give so much. I asked him what made it all worth it. I asked him why he did it. His simple response was, "so that you have a safe and happy life." Although he did mean me specifically he mostly meant me in a general sense, as in people like me, non-combatant type people. People he felt were worth keeping safe.

I was grateful at that moment that we were talking via computer, so he couldn't see the way I started to cry. I'm not worth so much was all I could think. The "thank you," I managed to say didn't even begin to cover it.

I think of that conversation often, not just on Memorial Day or Veterans Day or the Fourth of July, but particularly on days like those. One way I can say thank you to the men and women willing to give so much, sometimes to give everything, is to try to live my life in a way that honors those sacrifices.  I can aspire to be and do something that's worth fighting and dying for. It's not enough, it's never enough, but it's what I owe and what I can give.

Thank you.

Am I the Answer?

Lately I’ve been… let’s say convicted of something. I don’t talk about my faith a lot on my blog, but it’s hopefully obvious to those who know me that I’m a believer. My personal favorite term for us is ‘Jesus Freaks,’ because that one always makes me chuckle.

What I’ve been convicted of is in regards to the phrase, “I’ll pray for you.” It’s an easy thing to say, it’s a good and right sentiment. We as people of faith should absolutely be praying for one another.

The question I’ve been asking myself though is this one: Am I the answer to that prayer? When I offer to pray for someone, am I looking down at the two hands in front of me and asking if those are the hands God wants to use in that situation?

It’s easy to offer to pray for somebody, it’s a bit harder to pick up a broom or a hand tool or a baking sheet and get the job done.

I know a lot of people who are getting the job done, some are people of faith and some are not. I personally know atheists who absolutely kick ass at being the answer to prayers to a God they don’t even believe in, and I stand in awe of their kindness and generosity.

I need to also say that if we’re asking ourselves that question, and the answer genuinely is no, then that’s okay too. There are certain situations like illnesses that are way out of our control (unless you happen to be an MD). Also, it’s rough out there for everybody. For a time I thought it was getting rougher but now I believe we simply notice it more as we get older, as we get weaker, as people we love keep leaving the world. If you ask yourself that question and you know your resources are already stretched way too thin – then that’s legit. Burning ourselves out is no help to anybody.

I just want it to be a question I always remember to ask.

Nike's Gone Plus Sized!

I found out this week that the popular athletic gear designer Nike has released a plus sized line (sizes 1X to 3X), so of course I had to check it out. Here is the link if you’d like to take a look at the goods for yourself.

I’ve previously praised Under Armor for their size inclusivity, which goes up to a 2XL (or for most women roughly sized 18-20). They also make an attractive, durable, quality product. Nike is actually taking it a few steps further as I did the math and realized that their size 3XL should fit all the way up to a 24/26, which is very impressive!

I haven’t tried out any Nike stuff yet but if/when I do, I’ve got my eye on this really nifty asymmetrical workout tank with the vented back.

As with UA, the clothes don’t come cheap. Currently there’s nothing in the line that costs less than $40.00. This, however, is typical for name brand active wear. After poking around the site I found that their straight sizes are priced comparatively so they’re not charging more for the plus gear.

I’m not surprised that Nike is doing this, in fact what surprises me more is when clothing retailers remain hesitant to tap the generous market of plus sized people ready and willing to pay them for attractive and well-made clothes. Or they’ll do so, but keep it hidden away online like a naughty secret. I’m looking at you here, Old Navy -  who makes great workout clothing in a wide variety of sizes but only sells the plus ones via website distribution rather than putting it in stores. Because plus sized people couldn’t possibly want or need to try things on first (please note my dripping sarcasm). Under Armor, much as I love them, is guilty of this too.

One nice trick I’ve learned regarding Old Navy, is that since they only sell the plus stuff online people frequently need to return it. Old Navy is willing to take it back at the brick and mortar stores, and they then place those returned items in their clearance section. So if you’re willing to dig you can not only find the plus gear there but it’s crazy marked down in price too.

The only thing that has surprised (and dismayed) me this week is the public backlash that’s broken out beneath the bridges of internet trolls since Nike’s line went on sale. Apparently they are ‘promoting’ and ‘accepting’ obesity by creating clothing for fat people to exercise in.

Actually, they’re doing just the opposite – they’re making it easier for the people who need to exercise the most to get active and feel great and confident while doing it. And feeling great and confident while doing it is likely to help them, you know, keep doing it and thus lose weight. These kinds of trolls are probably the same ones who photograph obese people working out at the gym without their consent and then post and scorn them online, saying they should stay home until they’ve made themselves less offensive looking. Obese people like me are the ones who need to be in the gym the most! Is it so hard to encourage us, or at the very least – just leave us alone to work on ourselves in peace?

I still stand by my assertion that those who attack fat people for trying to better themselves are actually fervently hoping for those fat people to stay fat. They enjoy their feeling of superiority, and wouldn’t want it taken away by somebody’s success.

The Magical Rainbow-Farting Unicorn

Also known as the perfect sports bra.

I haven’t quite found it yet. The technology capable of halting all chestal motion for a woman of my stature might not actually exist, BUT what I did find recently is not too shabby.

It’s a Champion Spot Comfort Full-Support Sport Bra (style no. CH 1602), maximum hold, in size 40DDD. I normally wear a 38DDDD, but since the quad is super difficult to find I’ve discovered that if I go up a band size I can come down a cup size. And a slightly smallish cup size in sports bras isn’t a bad thing since compression helps. I was able to purchase said bra for $26.00 each online – and since any bra under $50.00 is a miraculous find, of course I got excited and purchased three. It’s made of sweat-wicking fabric, has comfy padded gel straps, provides a lot of coverage and feels pretty danged secure when I jump up and down in it. I am happy.

It looks like so:

I never expected to find something this good from Champion. First of all, it has no underwire, and as a general rule I never leave the house without underwire, but this particular contraption is capable of maximum support without it (via some kind of miraculous anti-gravity technology, I’m sure). Secondly, Champion is responsible for the unfortunate incident I had getting almost permanently stuck in a pull-on-over-the-head type bra after going swimming (I now reserve those bras strictly for yoga practice).

They’re also guilty of closing like this in the back with some of their styles:

I actually asked the salesperson in a shop recently if she knew anyone who was capable of getting into such a bra by themselves, and she admitted that she did not.

Bra retailers, seriously, stop making these. It’s not a fat-person thing, human bodies just are not designed to do fine manipulation of hook-and-eye closures at our middle backs while unable to see what we’re doing. Work with me, people.

At any rate, I am tentatively very happy with this purchase. It has yet to stand up to a full Zumba class though, so the true test of its resilience awaits!