A journey in words...

Welcome to my journey in words! A story about health, exercise, weight loss, food addiction, humor, size discrimination, sarcasm, social commentary and all the rest that’s rattling around inside my head...

I now twit, er... or tweet. Anyway, you can follow me on twitter @Aeon1202

Friday, August 18, 2017

Status Report: 1 lb. lost, 33 lbs. total

Just a pound this week. Which I was expecting because I lost five the week before. I think it’s common for most to go out of the gate fast, slow way down, then settle into something resembling a groove.

This week went pretty well. No binges and I’m on day 10 of hitting my goal of getting in at least 10,000 steps per day. It gets a little easier the longer I do it because as time goes by I have a better awareness of where I need to be step-wise at what point during the day. The hardest bit is getting steps in at work because I have a desk job, and even getting up and wandering the long way around the office on the way to the bathroom doesn’t add much. Days when I don’t have Zumba class are also harder. Owning a treadmill helps a lot because I can get on there, turn on the TV, and just zone out until the buzzer goes off to tell me I’ve hit the goal.

I also noticed this week what a big difference healthy food makes in how I feel.

Normally on weekdays, I have what I call my “super food oatmeal” for breakfast. ½ cup plain oatmeal, ¾ cup frozen blueberries, ¼ cup milk, ¾ cup water, 2 teaspoons chia seeds, 1 tablespoon semi-sweet chocolate chips. I let it soak overnight in the fridge so the chia seeds can plump, then heat it in the microwave at work the next day. It clocks in at around 300 calories. After eating it I feel content, but not stuffed, and I’m good to go for energy until my lunch break at 1PM.

Yesterday one of our suppliers dropped off a metric ton of Panera Bread treats for breakfast, and I selected an asiago cheese breakfast bagel sandwich with egg and bacon. Afterward I looked up the nutrition info – 580 calories and 25 grams of fat, yikes! It was super tasty, but I could feel it sitting like a rock in my stomach all morning. When lunch rolled around I wasn’t even hungry, I just felt kind of heavy and bleh. And of course, I ate that the day before my weigh in. Derp.

I’m still debating whether it was worth it. It truly was a good and tasty breakfast sandwich but I really didn’t like the way I felt after eating it. The same thing happens when I have a bagel for breakfast, it’s like having a glue ball in my stomach for most of the day.


Thursday, August 17, 2017

Clothing Review: Ava & Viv

I’m guilty of being a bad shopper. If left alone, I’ll wander into a store, glance around in a dispirited fashion, decide that nothing fits me, and leave. I am also guilty of buying anything cheaply priced that zips or buttons closed on me regardless of whether it looks good, fits correctly, or is even remotely comfortable. I struggle against a pretty terrible kicked dog attitude with regards to the fashion industry – if they deign to make something that actually covers my girth that I can afford, I’ll buy it just to put something on my back. This is how I wound up owning several seriously uncomfortable and lousy looking outfits of late.

It’s no longer true that plus sizes are impossible to find in cute styles. Although we’re still significantly limited (and somewhat pricier) compared to straight sizes, things have improved considerably. Major retailers like Old Navy, Kohl’s, Torrid, Avenue, Ashley Stewart and even sports clothing designers like Nike are getting on the bandwagon.

This summer I made several purchases from Target’s reasonably priced, plus sized clothing line, called Ava & Viv. Unfortunately, things went downhill from there.

There’s probably a plus sized body shape out there that these clothes fit correctly (all the models in the catalog look nice after all) but it isn’t mine.

I bought this long sleeved, lightweight shirt for work.


The neckline is… floppy. I don’t know how else to describe it. The fabric flops and wrinkles in a stretched out way, falling down over my shoulders and constantly threatening to reveal my bra straps. It’s also much too short. I like shirts to come down past my stomach and this one hits me right in the middle of it, causing me to constantly pull at the hem. It’s also cut strangely wide through the body so the shirt is basically a square of fabric rather than conforming to the elongated body shape of a torso. The only good thing I can say about it is the fabric feels nice and I like the grey color. I would guess that the model wearing it in the photo probably has clips on her back that you can’t see making the shirt look fitted.

Then there’s these pants.



I actually lopped and hemmed the grey ones off into shorts because I needed shorts and thought the hemline on them looked ridiculous anyway.

The problem with both of these pants is that I failed to walk around or sit down before I bought them. Although not exactly low rise (a style I avoid like the plague) they’re a bit short-rise and loose through the waistband. This means that though they sit in an okay spot when I’m standing up and standing still, the moment I sit down or move around they both start sliding north rapidly. Since I have a pathological fear of my underwear showing in the back, this does not work for me at all. I think they’re cut for people with smaller thighs but a larger waist than I have, meaning that they’re both too big and too small simultaneously. As always, the concept of an hourglass figure seems an elusive one to clothing designers.

Wearing a belt helps keep them from falling down a little, but belts don’t really work for me – again – because my hourglass shape causes them to roll and slide up over the top of my belt loops and sit uncomfortably against the skin above the waistband of my pants.

Somewhere, out there, must be clothes that fit me, look nice, and are comfortable – but I haven’t found them yet. And definitely not from Ava & Viv.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

To Probiotic, or Not to Probiotic

Content Warning: Frank discussion of gross but fascinating science stuff and possible TMI follows.

Bacteria. It’s invisible, and yet hugely a part of our lives. It can help us maintain a state of good health or it can kill us, and each and every human being is in possession of an entire colony of gut bacteria that helps us with the process of digesting food. When we die, the bacteria we’re already toting around eats us and helps us to turn back into dirt (insert song ‘Circle of Life’ here…)

When we get sick and a doctor prescribes an antibiotic to help us get well, the antibiotic can’t differentiate between the invading bacteria that are making us ill and our helpful colonies of digestive gut bacteria, so both die. This is why some people experience digestive problems during and after antibiotic treatments. How long it takes our helpful gut bacteria to recover after antibiotic treatments and how best to help them recover is a matter still open to debate and probably varies a lot from person to person.

My husband takes a daily probiotic pill to treat his IBS. IBS is the condition he has that causes him to digest food much too quickly, thus failing to put on body weight despite consuming a high calorie diet. Although eating what you please sounds nice, believe me – what he goes through isn’t worth it. My dad recommended he add a daily probiotic pill to his diet and pleasantly, it has improved his condition a great deal.

Usually, when I’m taking antibiotics for an illness, I eat a serving of yogurt containing live cultures every day and for at least a week following treatment to try and help my gut bacteria recover from the process. However, I’m not the biggest fan of the flavor of yogurt and I hate spending calories on a food I don’t like very much, so after a round of antibiotics used to treat a sinus infection last winter I just swallowed one of my husband’s probiotic pills every day instead.

It seemed to work fine, and though I don’t suffer from IBS I decided to keep on taking one every day. We checked with our GP and Doctors view probiotics as being not harmful and potentially helpful, but the jury is still out on just how much good they really do.

I decided to keep taking one every day after reading this article and also this one about how a woman with a naturally low body weight rapidly gained 50 lbs. after receiving an intestinal bacterial transplant from a person with a naturally higher body weight to treat a stubborn GI infection. It looked as though someone’s gut bacteria and the way it functions might be at least partly responsible for how much they weigh.

It’s not a smoking gun per se, it’s also entirely possible that the woman gained weight because she was sick with a GI-related illness and after getting healthy she put some weight on as healthy people do. However, scientists performed studies on rats and found that when they transplanted bacteria from the intestines of fat rats into those of thin rats – the thin rats quickly got fat and vice versa. And that gave me pause.

So I’m not yet going out and seeking an FMT transplant from a skinny person because… well… ew, but I figured doing something every day to help my existing colony of gut bacteria have a happy and healthy life certainly can’t hurt. I have noticed that my digestive motility, which is usually on the annoyingly slow side, has sped up since I began the regimen. Regularity is a good thing, at least.


Monday, August 14, 2017

Bring the Pain

So I’ve been doing pretty good getting to 10,000 steps every day, which isn’t easy when you sit at a desk for work. Fitbit has new software that reminds me once per hour to get up and move around, which is both helpful and annoying. I think I’ve been spotted a few times at the office muttering curses in the general direction of my wrist when Little Brother nags me to go walk around during the day.

My primary problem right now is pain. When I get to 10,000 steps whether by treadmill or walking outside or going to Zumba, I’m in pain when I lie down in bed at night. My hip hurts (I was born with dysplasia so there’s no getting around that since it’s an abnormally developed joint) and my legs ache pretty badly from simple DOMS. The leg aches make me restless because they’re relieved a little by shifting them around in bed.

Also, Zumba is causing me anxiety because I get really red in the face, which is both embarrassing and unsettling to look at. My heart rate is at peak almost the whole time during a Zumba class, which may be partially caused by how hot it is in my gym’s workout room. It’s a small, poorly air conditioned space so the temp inside soars in the summer, and ‘hot Zumba’ is not advisable the way ‘hot Yoga’ is. I’ve noticed I don’t have this problem when I go to special Zumba events at my local YMCA, whose workout room is essentially a meat locker. It’s too cold when you first walk in but once you get going, it’s awesome. I’m not sure what to do, I like to push myself during Zumba but I really don’t want to die in the middle of a Cumbia.

I can take Tylenol PM or Advil in the evenings which helps a little, but I don’t really want to take an analgesic every single night and leave it sitting in my stomach (and potentially burning a hole in the lining) as I sleep.

Is this going to get better? Or is working out while fat and post-40 just always going to hurt and possibly be dangerous? It's a bit depressing right now.



Friday, August 11, 2017

Status Report: 5 lbs. lost, 32 lbs. total

I’ll be weighing in on Fridays and today’s weight was 263, down 5 pounds from my regain weight of 268 and down 32 pounds from my starting weight of 295. That’s a bit fast, but my first week making changes usually sees a big drop, and I know it will slow down considerably quite soon.

I managed to make myself sick yesterday eating too much crappy food for lunch, then working out a lot when I got home. My stomach felt so bad I wasn’t even hungry for dinner so I skipped it – and that NEVER happens to me. Also with my health anxiety issues I can’t get indigestion without suspecting I’m having a heart attack, so… that was fun.

My last status report like this was dated September 10th, 2014 and I was at a 74 lb. loss back then. Boy howdy, it’s hard to have been knocked this far back.

You’ll also notice that I disclose my weight pretty freely. I’ve long been annoyed by the stigma surrounding body weight and that’s my own small, personal way to fight it. Are you horrified by my weight? Do you hate me for how much I weigh? I’m guessing the answer is no. Largely, you probably don’t care what I weigh other than vaguely being happy for me when I lose some. Just so, nobody really cares what you weigh either (unless they’re a fat-shaming jerk). As the saying goes, “those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind.”

Nowhere to go from here but down.


Thursday, August 10, 2017

Beginning (Yet) Again

There haven’t been a lot of blog posts lately because I’ve fallen into a really lousy place with my fitness and health. I put back on 50 lbs. of the 78 that I had lost, and working out became really really difficult.

Mostly, I’m annoyed to have to do the same work all over again and that the endocrinologist from the HMR clinic, who stated to my primary care doctor that if I left his care I would just gain all the weight back, appears to have been right. I hate for that jerk to be right, but still had to leave the HMR program because losing weight just isn’t worth it if you also lose a healthy liver in the process.

I digress.

I’m trying to get back on track, but since I turned 40 everything has become harder. My already sluggish metabolism has slowed further, my set point is higher, my hip hurts, my heart rate feels way too high when I do exercise. Most likely I’ve harmed myself in ways I’m not even fully aware of by weight cycling yet again, but I don’t know what else to do other than get back on the horse and try, try again. Accepting myself at this size is still not an option.

So I’m trying to get back to daily workouts, zumba, the treadmill, yoga - a combination thereof that keeps me active every day. I’m trying to get in 10,000 steps per day and I treated myself to a new Fitbit (the Charge 2 which I’ve nicknamed ‘Little Brother’) to help me keep track of things. I actually earned the Fitbit for free, because my health insurance company kept sending me gift cards when I synched the data from my old Fitbit to their website so they could see how much I worked out. Sadly, as always, working out a lot doesn’t make you lose weight if you still eat too much. My old Charge HR Fitbit (which I nicknamed ‘Santa’) was sent to one of my best friends so we can both track and help support each other – which helps a lot.

I’m also reading a new book which has a method for conquering binge eating that I’ve not tried before. Binge eating remains the diet-related problem that is keeping my weight high; I love healthy food and I’m very knowledgeable about it but it all goes out the window when I arrive home from work alone in my house, physically and mentally tired, and hungry.

Anyway... starting weight 268, goal weight 180. Here we go. Yet again.



Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Thoughts on Memorial Day

Years ago I was having an online chat with a friend of mine who'd served a long career for the United States military before the collective weight of physical and emotional scars he'd received forced him into retirement.

I asked him, that night, what had made him do so much and give so much. I asked him what made it all worth it. I asked him why he did it. His simple response was, "so that you have a safe and happy life." Although he did mean me specifically he mostly meant me in a general sense, as in people like me, non-combatant type people. People he felt were worth keeping safe.

I was grateful at that moment that we were talking via computer, so he couldn't see the way I started to cry. I'm not worth so much was all I could think. The "thank you," I managed to say didn't even begin to cover it.

I think of that conversation often, not just on Memorial Day or Veterans Day or the Fourth of July, but particularly on days like those. One way I can say thank you to the men and women willing to give so much, sometimes to give everything, is to try to live my life in a way that honors those sacrifices.  I can aspire to be and do something that's worth fighting and dying for. It's not enough, it's never enough, but it's what I owe and what I can give.


Thank you.