A journey in words...
Welcome to my journey in words! A story about health, exercise, weight loss, food addiction, humor, size discrimination, sarcasm, social commentary and all the rest that’s rattling around inside my head...
I now twit, er... or tweet. Anyway, you can follow me on twitter @Aeon1202
Monday, November 30, 2009
If you’d like to, you can read about her here as written by one of her owners.
Look for the entry for Nov. 30th, 2009.
Some people should own dogs; it’s good for dogs and good for the people involved – and these two friends of mine who lost their companion on Sunday are two who should own dogs. I may be a cat person but we’re all pet lovers; and I’m just so sad for them right now.
Good News: Our son Kyle turned 19 today. I never thought I’d have a child, but I married into one and I’m grateful to God for giving me this family – child included. The past nine years went by so quickly; he went from shy kid shorter than me who never talked to this incredibly bright, funny young man who towers over me in what feels like the blink of an eye.
Happy Birthday, Kyle.
Bad News: Ted seemed to be coming down with the flu, so I took him to the doctor’s tonight. Yes – Ted has the flu. Since I was already there, I got myself checked out too and I have an inflamed sciatic nerve (that’s the big one that runs from your butt all the way down the back of your leg to the foot). Four to six weeks healing time.
Good News: I asked if I could still exercise despite the injury, and the answer was yes – just go easy and stretch stretch STRETCH. The doctor actually recommended I stay active to promote faster healing.
Very Good News: I got weighed at the doctor’s office and I have NOT gained any weight since my last weigh in, which means I made it through Thanksgiving without adding any pounds.
So there it is… a good news and bad news kind of week.
C’est la vie.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Now the right foot and ankle hurts, the lower back hurts, and the entire right leg and side can’t feel hot or cold (mostly things just all feel vaguely warm).
This might mean no more elliptical – and that’s going to suck. That machine burns 300 calories per half hour for a woman of my size. However nerve damage sucks worse, so I’m just going to have to figure something else out. It’s possible the problem is just that a person of my generous proportion really shouldn’t be hurling themselves about quite so enthusiastically. Basically my stamina after a year and a half of regular gym visits has bypassed the safety protocols for my current size.
Best to lay off that machine until I’m smaller then try it again.
Which means what cardio to do now?
I love to swim; but I stopped lap swimming because I’m vain about my hair… the repeated chlorine exposure turns it into a dry, unruly mop.
The exercise bike doesn’t burn enough calories – barely more than 100 for a half hour.
That leaves the treadmill, or – I can join up with an aerobics class.
Since the treadmill tends to exacerbate my bad hip (yeah I have a bad hip like a little old lady due to juvenile hip dysplasia) it’s looking like I’m going to be investigating the class option.
God forcing me to be social again? Perhaps. Pushing my boundaries at least, definitely.
In happier news, whatever is wrong with me thankfully did not stop me from enjoying my birthday (and Kyle’s) at the indoor water park we went to. I climbed five flights of stairs five times during the course of the day – and that’s cardio for you. It’s funny how long it takes you to labor up there carrying your big inner tube compared to how quickly you go hurtling (and in my case screaming) through the pitch blackness to plunge into the pool below.
Loads of fun though!
And watching Ted tow people around the (not-so) lazy river had a high humor factor to boot. I even managed to coax him onto a water-slide. Hee.
35 years old (as of Wednesday) and I’ve finally had a pool party.
Friday, November 27, 2009
I think I may have even eaten part of a centerpiece that wasn’t actually food.
Also I didn’t do my floor exercises this morning, but I had a really good excuse for once. I think I’ve hurt myself.
I hit the gym hard Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights to prep for the day of big eating. And Wednesday before bed, I noticed that my right foot felt hot. Weird, but I got in bed anyway and fell asleep. An hour later I woke to use the bathroom and realized I couldn’t feel that the bathroom floor tiles were cold with my right foot – in fact, that everything I touched with my entire right leg felt either weirdly warm or caused a painful prickling / burning sensation.
Major panic attack now in progress I woke Ted up to tell him I had MS (yeah, I do that – for those who don’t know me. I can’t get a headache without assuming fatal illness; so having an entire side of my body go numb wasn’t a good moment.)
Ted, ever patient in the throes of sleep deprivation, listened to me carefully and though not a doctor – pointed out that it sounded an awful lot like a pinched nerve to him. Probably brought on by my being psycho on the Elliptical machine three days running.
Pinched nerve? Surely not… oh, but wait – come to think of it my lower back does kind of… hurt… ow.
So, yeah… my lower back is kind of messed up now, and I can’t feel hot or cold sensations with my entire right leg all the way up to my midsection. I know from other people’s experience with nerve pinches that Doctors have a tendency to go – oh, yeah… that has to heal on it’s own… so I guess I’ll wait it out and hope the freaky feeling goes away soon.
It didn’t ruin my entire Thanksgiving though it was a huge distraction all day.
The question is… I’m supposed to go to the gym tomorrow for full cardio and weight lifting. I don’t want to get off my schedule, especially with the day I had today. But what if I hurt myself even worse?
Maybe I’ll wake up totally fine come morning. Yeah, I think I’ll hope for that one.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I won’t call this a hard and fast rule yet, because it’s only a two month observation – but I’m going to keep on watching to see if it holds true.
Once again I’m a week before that ‘fun’ female time of the month, and once again I am on a plateau. I’ve been essentially the exact same weight for two weeks straight with no change whatsoever.
The Daily Plate affords me about 1,950 calories per day. On average, I eat 1,500 calories per day and am working my ass off at the gym.
I deserve to see a shift on that scale.
But it seems like no matter what I do; there are about two weeks out of every month that are going to be a total null for me from a weight loss perspective. Nothing is shifting when the hormones are in control.
I’m angry, I think it’s unfair. It feels like all the work I put in is completely meaningless for nearly half of every month.
Right now, I just need to bitch about it and be angry before I can move on.
It may suck that I’ve been dealt a hand that includes a body that gains and holds onto weight with the greatest of ease, but I’m aware there are far worse medical hands to be dealt in life than this.
Don’t worry - I’m not giving up. Tonight I just need to be angry.
So here is the plan…
1) Set a realistic goal. I think a realistic goal for Thanksgiving week is to maintain my weight without any gains on the scale, not to loose. Although a loss would be fantastic, I admit.
2) More exercise than average. My average number of exercise days in a given week right now is four times per week. I’m upping that to daily. Thanksgiving day my gym is closed – so I’m doing a half hour floor work routine at home that morning, then its right back to the weights on Black Friday.
3) Don’t be dumb about when I weigh in. My usual weigh day is Friday – that would be really silly this week since it’s the day after Thanksgiving. So weigh in is tonight on Wednesday, and then the next time won’t come for a week and two days later on Friday again – giving my body time to process and recover from Thanksgiving Day.
4) Take the day off. Not a dinner off, but the whole day. On Thanksgiving Day; I am not weighing, measuring, calculating or otherwise obsessing over what I eat. I plan to get up and eat a slice of quiche (and maybe a bit of cinnamon roll), then I have a lot of cooking to do that should keep me busy until dinner. Thanksgiving dinner (and dessert) will be enjoyed, but at no point am I to feel overstuffed, bloated or in pain. I will not go nuts – I’m just not worrying about it for that one day. We’re going to my brother’s house, which means a lot of opportunities to wander about outdoors if the weather holds; they will be taken advantage of.
So that’s the plan. If it goes catastrophic it will be re-evaluated before Christmas Day comes. That one is doubly challenging since in my family it’s not only the Day that’s the hazard but Christmas Eve as well.
Still, I’m feeling calm and confident. Right now anyway…
Into the abyss!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I ordered the tuna melt, thus avoiding the hazard of meat in a restaurant setting (when I eat meat I prefer to cook it at home these days).
The tuna melt consists of the following:
Two large slices of beefsteak rye bread
A cup of tuna salad
Two slices of tomato
Two slices of provolone cheese
Butter (on the toasted bread)
Usually this meal comes with a heaping pile of French fries. I asked the restaurant to substitute this with a side portion of sautéed spinach and mushrooms (which they sautéed in butter).
My friend Teddi asked the waitress for a ‘to go’ box for me, and thankfully had me put away half of this sandwich when it arrived; which I was thinking was probably unnecessary. I mean – how bad could a tuna melt with no fries be?
I got back to the office and did the math; that lunch was 592 calories.
Stay with me here… had I eaten the whole sandwich (just two slices of bread – a normal sandwich) and gotten the French fries that normally come with it, this would have been a 1,408 calorie meal! With over 90 grams of fat!
And we are not talking extravagant here… Americans eat this sort of thing for lunch on a regular basis, and think nothing of it. They then go home, and eat a hearty dinner afterward not even realizing that they have consumed in one meal, all of the calories and more of the fat then they should have consumed for the entire day.
Thank God Teddi was there to keep me from falling face first into this food grenade. Two days before Thanksgiving, to boot…
In other news; it finally happened – the unsolicited “hey… did you loose weight?” It came this past Sunday, from Pastor Jim (also known as Dad 2.0) at church – I think the way he put it was “you’re looking healthy” but I knew what he meant. I gave him a huge hug and thankfully managed not to weep for joy… but boy howdy – I was happy.
Lastly – I did not give a weight report last Friday and here is why. The night before (Thursday) I ate a garden sandwich from a local take out place near my house. Crusty roll, sautéed spinach, portabella mushroom, garlic, mozzarella… it’s a very tasty thing. It also packs in over 1,000 calories. Ouch. I had no business eating the entire thing; half is more than sufficient.
When I weighed in on Friday, less than 12 hours after eating it – the news was not good. Teddi and Liz; who were with me and witnessed my disappointment, absolutely insisted I give myself a ‘do over’.
Basically that huge sandwich was still with me when I weighed in, so Friday’s weight was thrown out for being an unfair barometer of my week. I will re-weigh this Wednesday evening, and then wait until the following Friday to weigh again once Thanksgiving has safely passed.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
As a lifelong weight loss attempter this has always been sort of a problem. Can someone tell me why yogurt is the classic food of dieters?
It’s not particularly low calorie for the volume you get, and the light varieties taste like what I would imagine congealed Pledge might taste like; assuming you could eat Pledge and not die. I mean yes – it has calcium. But hello – the best way to put calcium in your diet is to eat dark green leafy vegetation; not yogurt.
Yogurt, cheese and milk all contain calcium – but green leafies kick their butts. Both milk and cheese give you a small quantity of calcium with a HUGE volume of fat comparatively. I’m sorry to say this because I absolutely love the stuff – but milk is baby food. Specifically it’s cow-baby-food. That’s why it’s full of fat for a growing infant. Adult animals of any type have no dietary use for it whatsoever. Yogurt has less fat than it’s better tasting cousins but still way more than a head of kale (kale wins at a zero fat content every time).
So what the heck is up with yogurt exactly? Why is it seen in the hands of dieters and on the menu’s of weight loss eating programs everywhere?
I think it’s all a huge marketing ploy by the Dannon company.
That said I’ve found exactly one kind that I like thanks to a co-worker; Yoplait Whips. These things don’t taste like yogurt, they taste like dessert – very intentionally. And they come in flavors like chocolate raspberry too. However make no mistake; I eat them as a dessert treat because they’re a lot cheaper calorie wise than a half cup of ice cream, not for any health benefit – because they don’t really have any. You only get 4 oz. for your 160 calories worth. They manage to pack 5 grams of protein and 230 mg. of potassium in there which is good; but mostly it’s just whipped sugar.
The consistency is a little funky; very light yet curd-like at the same time. I like it, but it’s not for everyone.
Anyway that’s my note for the day – down with milk products, up with dark green vegetables, and yuck to yogurt. Why waste any calories on something that tastes crappy just because all the other dieters are eating it?
Hopefully I won’t get taken out presently by a sniper from Rosenberger’s Dairy…
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
What it means is that we get together and cook, or at least that’s the plan. So far there’s only been one official meeting of the ECA, and although cooking is wonderful I personally keep hoping we’ll get together soon just to eat new and intriguing foods.
Probably not the best idea for me, though.
Meeting one of the ECA involved heading over to Sandi’s house to learn how to make homemade chocolate candies.
Can you see where this is going?
I know I tend to be dense, I honestly didn’t think it would be that hard. But there I was; like the Panda Bear sitting in the middle of a bamboo forest it couldn’t chow down on.
Chocolate is my number one temptation food. I’ve mentioned before; I like the sweetest, fattiest, no-dietary-benefit-having chocolates the most. The milky, fatty chocolates. The white, non-cocoa containing, made-of-pure-fat chocolates. And hey, even though the dark, anti-oxidant-having variety is my least favorite – I’ll happily eat that too.
But oh no – I didn’t think it’d be that hard.
I’m not going to say it wasn’t fun, it was – and I proved to myself that I could endure about the most difficult food experience possible and get through it without blowing my calorie content for the day. I admit; I ate one and I intended to eat none; but when I looked it up later the one I ate was probably about 75 calories – not a Greek tragedy.
Although how sobering a thought is that? One chocolate candy is about 75 calories. ONE. And how easy is it to eat ten? Ten = 750 = half of the calories I can have in a whole day. Gone, that easy. Bam.
The worst part is that I think I was embarrassingly cranky all day. Nobody said anything to me about it, but… I’m pretty sure I was. I also skipped lunch. Note to chocolate makers; don’t skip lunch on chocolate day. Very, very foolish.
The good part was dinner. Awesome salads, great potatoes and smokies! For those who don’t know a smoky is a buffalo / pork / beef sausage from a local buffalo farm here in PA. If you’ve never had one – I weep for you.
I made pumpkin pie soup from a recipe I invented myself from cobbling together the parts of other recipes I thought were the most appealing. So – just in case anyone would like to have it. Here ‘tis…
And please note that since pumpkins are a huge butt-pain to dismantle; the pumpkin portion of this program can easily be substituted with butternut squash with no flavor harm done whatsoever.
Pumpkin Pie Soup
1 medium sized pumpkin
1 yellow onion
1 small ginger root
1 box of college inn chicken broth (48 oz.)
4 tbsp. butter
2 cups of light cream
½ cup of brown sugar
½ tsp. thyme
½ tsp. black pepper
½ tsp. cinnamon
½ tsp. vanilla
A generous sprinkle of nutmeg
Dismantle the pumpkin; cleaning out all the string and seeds and cutting it into sixths (leave the outer skin on).
Pull out the seeds for roasting later as a garnish.
Spray a baking sheet (or two) with non-stick cooking spray and roast pumpkin pieces at 350 degrees for an hour.
Remove, let cool, and then peel off the skin and cut into chunks (the skin should be really easy to remove now).
Rough chop the onion and ginger root and then puree in food processor.
Melt butter in your soup pot, and then add the onion and ginger mixture.
Sautee until soft (about four minutes).
Add the brown sugar, thyme, black pepper, cinnamon and vanilla and mix well.
Add about ten to twelve cups of the chopped pumpkin, then cover with the chicken broth and mix well again.
Bring to a boil, then reduce heat, cover and simmer for about twelve minutes.
Insert immersion blender and blend until you have a smooth, thick consistency – adding the light cream as you go.
Cover and simmer for another ten minutes, and enjoy!
The entire batch of pumpkin pie soup contains about 1,663 calories – so if you eat a tenth of it, it’s 166 calories per serving. If you divvy it up into eights, its 208 calories per serving. You get the idea…
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
At any rate; last Friday’s weigh-in put me at 257 total or a twenty three pound weight loss from my starting weight of 280. At this point I would say I’m very well pleased with my progress.
I’m a little concerned simply because the last time I made a significant weight loss attempt I got to the thirty pound mark and then gave up. I’m approaching thirty pounds now so a self destructive part of me keeps whispering that’s as long as my staying power is going to last. I know that’s irrational; but I’ll feel better when the thirties are done and safely behind me.
Also – still no unsolicited notices of “hey there… did you loose weight?” Nope, not yet. Although since most of my friends and family know what I’m doing that’s going to be a little hard to come by, I admit.
Friday I took a friend to the gym with me – which is going to put me on the topic of support and accountability. Previously I’ve talked about all the great support I get from my spouse, but there’s just something really helpful about going through it together with a friend who knows where you’re coming from. Lets face it – my husband is one of those males whose never given a thought to cutting back his calories and always maintains perfect body weight and cholesterol anyway… all while indulging in the occasional cheese steak. My friend and I however are of a similar circumstance although she’s a bit taller and has a WAY more athletic background. However we’re more or less in the same sized boat.
Basically we both know exactly what the other is going through right now. And what is it about doing something hard together that just makes it… easier somehow? I guess it’s that incredible human capacity for empathy, the thing that makes a man reach his hand back for a fallen friend. The way women encourage one another and celebrate each other’s successes. None of us want to be alone, we’re social creatures – we weren’t made to be alone. Looking at another and seeing in their eyes that yeah, they get it. It just helps.
And accountability is a wonderful thing. Just this week alone I’ve had two people say to me; ‘you know I noticed you haven’t put up a post in a few days…’ That provides more motivation than I can describe. I’ve willingly let the world (or at least my world) watch me at this endeavor and I have to say; it was a good idea. It’s keeping me honest.
The only downside to our joint excursion is that none of my bizarre gym habit people were on hand for me to show to my friend. Bummer.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
And I, genius that I am, can only stare at them mystified and ask; “why?”
I’ve been trying to figure out what it is about our world that instills such a poor sense of self worth in so many truly worthwhile people.
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
There’s the obvious reasons of course; if you’re a woman (and to a lesser degree this is true for men as well) the advertising and Hollywood industry holds up standards of eternal youth and beauty in front of our faces that we normal folk cannot possibly hope to achieve.
For example; I occasionally watch a clothing design show called Project Runway that’s hosted by the gorgeous Heidi Klum. She noted to one designer that his outfit had aged his early-twenty-something model by about ten years. She followed this up with saying “and model years are like dog years.”
Heidi herself, despite still being outrageously beautiful, is now too old to be a model – that’s why she’s moved on to hosting reality TV shows.
However I don’t think this is the whole picture… most of us look at movie and print ad images and sort of blow them off. I know I do. It’s like those people aren’t even real. And honestly, they’re not real these days. Go to You Tube and type in “photoshop makeover” and you’ll find hundreds of hits of people taking photographs of fat or in other ways unfortunate looking people and turning them into identical little model cut out dolls.
Even models aren’t beautiful enough to be models anymore – see the attached article and the photo that Ralph Lauren doctored of their ‘too fat’ model if you’d like proof:
Honestly – is this even attractive to anyone? The photo they doctored of this girl makes her look like some kind of bizarre Close Encounters space alien. What world are these people living in, anyway? Do they even know what men find attractive? Women who look like teenaged boys is not it, I can tell you that with pretty good certainty. It’s called BOOBS – look them up.
So if the fashion industry is just a joke at this point; why do so many people still feel so bad about themselves?
Is it Hollywood? The Hollywood ideal isn’t like the fashion industry’s ideal. In Hollywood women are supposed to look like women, not young boys. As thin and muscular as possible with huge eyes and lips and huge boobs is I think the perfection they’re looking for. But are any of us even trying to attain that? I mean – how can we? I have nice enough eyes, but they’re pretty small and there isn’t any way for me to make them bigger. I pretty much gave up on trying to look like a movie star since… well, lets be honest – I’ve never had any illusions about looking like a movie star.
I really don’t know where this is coming from, I wish I did – because then I could more effectively reason with the bruised souls around me. Then again, I’m sure they share my frustration as they try to ease my bruises as well.
As a side note; I just noticed that I’ve lost enough weight that the Daily Plate has recalculated my recommended calorie intake for a two pound per week weight loss. I went from a top number of 2,050 to 1,990 or so. Although I’ve set my own goal of roughly 1,500 per day, it’s kind of cool to see that little bit of progress in my tracking system.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A gaming convention, for the uninitiated, is one of those wonderfully nerdy events like a Star Trek convention where folk of like interest in the realms of Sci Fi, Fantasy, Computer gaming, tabletop Roleplaying Games and general costumed madness get together to celebrate the stuff they love.
Ubercon is a con that a few of the fantastic new friends I made this year (hi Liz and Tali) help to run. I mentioned to Ted on the way home that this is to them what the LARP is like to me and Sandi – a huge labor of love. We were so happy to be able to go share it with them and appreciate all the hard work they put in.
Also… best Con party I have ever been to. Ever. ‘Nuff said on that…
I’ve let myself believe over the past five years or so – that the time in my life where I’d feel really good about how I looked was behind me. That being admired was a happy memory from my twenties that I’d always take with me and appreciate, but that I had put to rest and had no need of any longer. After all I have the constant warmth of my husband’s regard and honestly it’s been more than enough. Ted makes me feel like the most beautiful thing in his world on a daily basis.
This weekend I rather awkwardly re-discovered the part of myself that doesn’t mind being considered attractive by other folks as well…
Let me explain.
The world of conventions isn’t really like the real world… the Hollywood standards of beauty don’t apply. As such, a moderate looking girl such as myself who can properly fill out a corset draws appreciative glances. And I won’t lie; you know it’s not the real world… but it still feels good.
This ties into my love of costuming… every day clothes are boring – but costumes rock! My mother instilled this love of non standard attire when I was little and she’d work every year to make me a unique Halloween costume. I was a dragon, a Unicorn, a gigantic egg (my sister was the chicken) all in costumes lovingly made by her hand. I looked forward all year long to Halloween and getting to dress up.
Then I became an adult and Halloween sort of went away… the chocolate was nice, but it’s the costume part that I truly loved and missed. Until I blundered into the world of RPG’s, conventions and Renaissance Faires and discovered – with joy – that these people dress up crazy whenever they feel like it!
In past years and at various conventions I’ve been part of an all-girl pirate crew, a gothy fairy, and this past weekend part of a roving Steampunk Science Squad (you need to see the attached pic to truly appreciate this one) among many others.
After putting on my costume I was acutely self conscious… Ubercon isn’t a huge costuming convention so there weren’t a ton of people dressed up. I kept telling myself it was okay because we had a purpose – we were passing out flyers for next year’s Steampunk LARP. It took time, but gradually I relaxed. By the time we got to the party that night I felt great. This is largely due, as usual, to my fantastic friends. When someone who loves you tells you you’re beautiful, you believe them. As awkward as it was for me (I’m better at giving compliments than receiving them) it was wonderful too.
For awhile now (and by awhile I mean years) I just kept thinking; why bother to dress up? You’re just gilding a fat lily. No matter what you put on it, it’s still just… fat. And that was just so, so silly. The crazy thing is; I’m only twenty pounds lighter. It’s a significant change but not that significant – I’m still 260 lbs. – and that’s a lot of woman. What changed that let me find the joy of costumes again is my head. I’m making positive changes in my life, so I feel better about myself – and that’s all I needed.
I’m not abandoning my effort of course; my goal is still to loose about 130 lbs. total before I’m done. But here’s the cool thing… I realized that I do not have to wait until then to feel good about myself. I can go ahead and do that right now.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Another Friday weigh in – today’s weight: 260 lbs. With my (assumed) starting weight of 280, that puts me officially at twenty pounds shed. I’ve heard a lot this week about not putting too much weight (haha) on the numbers, but I really really needed this.
Drink up, baby down
Mmm, are you in or are you out
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
You bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
I was working out to this on the Eliptical today, and sort of crying like a big whacko too... I can only hope that the people around me at the gym who might have noticed my red eyes chalked it up to the general redness my face acquires when I exercise.
On a side note; I really like the older folks who are there with me on Fridays – but when they sit on the weight machines chatting instead of moving along and get in the way of my rotation; it’s really irritating.
And now I’m off to Ubercon…
Thursday, November 5, 2009
“bbbbbnnnnnnnnnnnnnnonooooooooooooooooooo……..” or just a whole lot of extra spaces since the space bar is the easiest key for me to activate with my womdigious mammaries.
I’m not saying I type well with my breasts, I’m just saying I can. I wonder if I’ll still be able to do that when I’m slimmer? Hey at least I’ve found a use for them; they’ve never done anything particularly talented before; like feed a child as is their purpose for instance. Thus far they’ve done little except sit around looking impressive in tight shirts and effectively filling out a corset.
Honestly I’m extremely well endowed; a recent nightmarish measuring that took place at a Department store revealed my cup size as triple D. TRIPLE. I thought I was a plain D, not even a double – but no, I was triple. The supportive friends who were with me and had to watch all the color drain out of my face at the revelation quickly tried to reassure me and remind me that men (most importantly my husband) adore huge boobs. We were there in the first place because they had noticed that I appeared to be wearing the wrong bra size. My cup was running over… and over… so to speak.
It’s not really the point though… to me it’s all just fat. I have huge boobs because I’m fat. I know this because when I’ve lost weight in the past, my boobs have always been the first thing to shrink.
Now for example as I’m approaching the twenty pound mark; I’ve noticed two differences in myself. One – that my wedding ring has started falling off; I briefly lost it in the freezer last night when I reached in for something. And two – that the new bras I purchased the day of the humiliating fitting are slipping off my shoulders and seem slightly too big.
And apparently I had fat fingers and didn’t even realize it… my hands do look big to me (not man-hands big, just female-big) but they never exactly looked fat. Except of course in pictures… more than once I’ve seen a picture that showed my hands and forearms and had to eye back and forth between it and the live image in front of me trying to figure out why they looked so pudgy in pictures.
My hands look so normal to me when I’m just looking at them; I don’t know if I’m seeing the truth in pictures or if it’s that “camera adds ten pounds” thing.
Anyway… there’s my hidden talent; boob typing. Sign me up for Letterman’s ‘Stupid Human Tricks’.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I was supposed to go have a fantastic dinner with friends, followed by a fun RPG – and I bailed and went to the gym instead.
Okay I know it sounds more like I’m being a diet martyr than selfish but you have to follow my reasoning. For one thing, I have a lot of guilt when it comes to not showing up for activities where people are expecting to see me. I perceive that people are disappointed in me and put guilt on myself on their behalf – even when most of the time they’re like as not perfectly fine and respectful to what I decided I need to do.
But on top of that – my time at the gym is all about me. It’s for me, it’s focused on me. Most of what an adult woman such as myself does in a given day is not generally all about them; we’re either working for somebody else, or we’re home cooking for a group, or taking care of an errand or chore. These things are for us of course – but they’re also about the other people in our lives. The gym is totally selfish. It’s my body, it’s my goal, and it’s my dream.
Last night I favored it over the group of friends who I adore seeing and hanging out with – and I had to push past feeling guilty about that, because these are the same friends who totally have my back so to speak. They get it. They know what I’m doing and they’re there for me.
On a normal week this wouldn’t have been necessary but you see I’ve got a challenge coming up – a weekend away from home for the first time since I began. I’ll have another opportunity to exercise Friday morning but then I won’t get in my weekend excursion; so it was twice as important to squeak it in last night.
I’m actually not all that worried about the weekend away. There will be no less than five or six different people there watching out for me, like I’ll be watching out for some of them. And a few of us already have an agreement to seek out the hotel pool or weight room if available while we’re there.
So last night I was selfish, I was all about me. It’s like my determination to leave work early enough to get to the gym on a weeknight. Like my avoidance of certain buffet restaurants right now and my requests for healthy alternatives when invited to dinner. Somewhat contrary to my customary nature of people pleasing – but sort of liberating nonetheless.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
That’s what I had to listen to today, and believe you me, I saw red. My response is that naturally slim people trying to understand why fat people can’t loose weight is a lot like me trying to understand why smokers smoke – why would I understand an addiction that I don’t suffer from?
Right now I want to put heads through walls.
Instead I’m going to say thank you. Thank you to small minded, judgmental, self righteous slim people – thank you. Thank you for believing I will fail. Thank you for thinking I’m just weak willed and a pig. Thank you because every second of your smugness pours motivation to succeed into me just to see your surprise when I prove you completely wrong.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Considering some of my past binges sometimes it’s a wonder to me I’m not even bigger than I actually am.
So I purchased no Halloween candy, got up that morning and got the Ghoulash cooking in the crock pot, then ate my Big Saturday Breakfast (pile of broccoli, mushrooms, cabbage and snow peas glued together with a single egg) and off I went to the gym. After 35 minutes of cardio I was home and too busy with showering and making myself up as the Zombie Prom Queen to bother with any more eating – picture attached.
The party when we arrived was unsurprisingly saturated with food. Fried food. chocolate food, cheesy poof salty food, whipped cream covered food. I was absolutely terrified to eat anything for fear that the floodgates would open and I’d consume anything (and everything) in my path. However by then I was pretty hungry, so I had to eat.
I started out with a small bowl of my Ghoulash (not bad) and meandered my way through a fried chicken thing, a fried mushroom, Frankenstein’s fried monster, two bite brownies, a cupcake a single piece of Halloween candy, chips and some raw vegetables. In the end when I went home and tallied everything up I came out at around 1,998 calories or so – in short I squeaked by barely making it under my maximum… again.
As I’ve learned from the past few weeks, when I get close to my maximum I stay the exact same weight, I don’t loose. I can only hope that the rest of the week will go well enough that I’ll be able to make up for the indulgences.
As you can tell if you read my last post I was a bit discouraged last Friday; in fact I flipped out on my husband on the phone: “you don’t have to live with being hungry all the time!!! When you’re hungry – you can eat!!!” Yeah, it wasn’t pretty and I’m not proud of it. As if the way my body works is his fault. And to his credit; he’s been cutting back on late night snacks and skipping desserts just to support me. He didn’t deserve my freak out, but he was patient and kind and I haven’t quit despite the disappointment.
Gloria was totally right in her comment from that day; I didn’t get here in a day and I won’t get back in a week. I named this blog ‘The Long Road’ in acknowledgement of that – and yet still managed to forget.
Thanks all for the support and encouragement everyone… I’m still walking the road.