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Monday, February 14, 2011

The Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre: A Tutorial

I do not, in fact, like Valentine’s Day very much. I’m in the camp that believes it’s a goofball made up Hallmark holiday with the purpose of selling you stuff you don’t need.

Furthermore, it makes my husband, who treats me like a Princess 365 days out of the year, feel inadequate on one of them because he didn’t buy me flowers that are going to die and / or chocolate that will stick annoyingly to my butt.

When I was single it made me feel lonely and irritated, and now that I’m married it just makes me feel irritated.

Call me the Valentine’s Day Grinch.

And so in protest I give you: The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. Although I am no longer qualified to carry out this tradition I hope others will bear the torch for me on this, one of the most irksome of American holidays.

You will need:

1) A slasher / horror movie – The gorier the better. Remember that blood is red, and red is the color of love.

2) Disgusting food – Don’t confuse this with tasting disgusting, it just has to look disgusting. Like a cake shaped like a heart that oozes red, viscous liquid when you cut into it or dirt dessert that looks like mud from your backyard and is filled with gummy worms. A friend of mine once made a sugary confection served in a litter pan with tootsie rolls to serve as cat poo, and that would work just fine. The point is to get sugar, fat and calories in great quantity while making everything look as vile as possible.

3) Some single friends.

4) Alcohol.

Combine these four, simple ingredients and preferably pick a night you don’t have to get up early the next morning. Commiserate on love, lousy ex-boyfriends / girlfriends and the overall meaning of life. Laugh, cry, and enjoy!

1 comment:

  1. I say we go a step further and abolish Valentine's Day! You should treat your loved one like Valentine's Day is EVERY DAY! And honestly, it really does make single people feel worse by calling attention to the fact that they have no one special in their life.
    It's a Hallmark holiday past it's prime.