The Pit of Despair

So I went to my annual physical on Friday, as usual my Doctor patted me on the head and praised me for my healthy eating and exercise habits.

See, apparently I’ve got really svelte and healthy blood and way sexy blood pressure scores, and that’s the part of me that she looks at.

So while the rest of the world is peering at my fat body and going: “Yeeech! What an out of control SLOB, she must sit on the sofa and eat cheetos all day!”

My doctor is meanwhile looking at numbers on a page and going: “Wow I can really see those healthy eating habits and the fact that you go to a gym three times a week. Good work you good patient you!”

I’m like the poster child for those people who try to convince the rest of the world that slim does not equal healthy and obese does not equal death.

So why am I in the proverbial pit of despair? Why have I been hiding from my blog?

Confession time: My weight at the doctor’s office (you know the dreaded slidey scale) was back up to 274 lbs.

That’s right folks – I’ve wasted every bit of work I did since I began last October. I might as well have never tried at all.

It really wasn’t hard… a cup of hot chocolate here and a serving of French fries there, and presto! Weight springs right back up again. Since my metabolism didn’t have enough time to get out of it’s “CRAP, we’re starving to death!” mode that kicks in as soon as you lower your calorie intake, it was more than happy to pack back on every additional calorie I’ve consumed since Christmas as fat storage.

It’s like my body was going “Thank God that crisis is over… whew!”

And now this time, trying to cut, scrape and pry extra poundage off myself will be even harder. It’s harder every time. Every failure makes it harder to walk the road – which is steadily sloping uphill on me. The goal growing further and further out of sight.

We’ll see if I even get back on it. Right now I’m teetering on the brink of self acceptance as a fat girl and resigning myself to a life of having to be content with being beautiful on the inside, even though my outside looks like total and utter crap.