Warning: This post contains a moment of blatant self pity. Forgive me, but I need to get this out in order to get past it. You can skip this one if you need to, I completely understand.
I haven’t given a status report in awhile for good reason.
After the now-infamous grade 3 ankle sprain of November ’11, I didn’t exercise at all for nearly three months. As a result, I am currently the exact same body weight as when I began blogging for fitness back in October ‘09. When I stay on target with my eating plan, I maintain my weight. When I stay on target and exercise very regularly, I slowly lose weight. When I do neither of these things my body’s natural tendency is to slowly increase in size. Not drastically quick, but with the inevitable steadiness of an oncoming iceberg - one that’s going to crash into your cruise ship and KILL EVERYONE.
It’s a very scary thing. Is it difficult and disheartening to read back over posts when I was thirty pounds lighter and going strong? To put it lightly, it makes me want to throw up. All the clothes I had been on the verge of donating in favor of smaller sizes are back into permanent rotation.
It has now been two and a half years of researching, experimenting and trying, and the difficult truth is that I’ve gotten nowhere when I really, really thought I was going to succeed this time. If things had gone to plan I would currently be working on living at my goal weight and wearing a size ten or twelve. That’s not just a hard pill to swallow, it’s one to practically choke on.
My ankle is probably never going to heal completely. I no longer wear clothing or shoes that show my ankles because they do not match. They’re sort of the same size when I first get up in the morning – but by the afternoon / evening the right one swells like a balloon. I can stop this by wrapping it with an ace bandage all day, but from an appearance perspective the end result is the same. It also fricking hurts. Every fricking day.
I am never going to be able to wear cute shoes with heels.
For this moment I feel old, permanently fat, and irreparably broken.
Before anybody kills me I am now going to remind you that I warned you of this pathetic self pity being imminent.
I have to get past this and let it all go so that I can move forward instead of wallowing stuck in this moment where I let myself think that all my efforts of the past two and a half years have been a total waste of time, as well as the faith that others have put in me. Everybody’s got that crap thing in life they’ve just gotta live with and deal with, and here’s mine. Its mean and its ugly, and I am shaking it at you. Only God knows what size I would be right now if I hadn’t been fighting so hard all this time to make a change, right? Maybe a hundred pounds heavier. Maybe already dead.
So suck it up, girl. Let it go, get over it, and SUCK IT UP.
Starting weight: 285
Goal weight: 180
Yesterday is over. Today is day one.