Warning: This post contains a moment of blatant self pity. Forgive me, but I need to get this out in order to get past it. You can skip this one if you need to, I completely understand.
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I haven’t given a status report in awhile for good reason.
After the now-infamous grade 3 ankle sprain of November ’11, I didn’t exercise at all for nearly three months. As a result, I am currently the exact same body weight as when I began blogging for fitness back in October ‘09. When I stay on target with my eating plan, I maintain my weight. When I stay on target and exercise very regularly, I slowly lose weight. When I do neither of these things my body’s natural tendency is to slowly increase in size. Not drastically quick, but with the inevitable steadiness of an oncoming iceberg - one that’s going to crash into your cruise ship and KILL EVERYONE.
It’s a very scary thing. Is it difficult and disheartening to read back over posts when I was thirty pounds lighter and going strong? To put it lightly, it makes me want to throw up. All the clothes I had been on the verge of donating in favor of smaller sizes are back into permanent rotation.
It has now been two and a half years of researching, experimenting and trying, and the difficult truth is that I’ve gotten nowhere when I really, really thought I was going to succeed this time. If things had gone to plan I would currently be working on living at my goal weight and wearing a size ten or twelve. That’s not just a hard pill to swallow, it’s one to practically choke on.
My ankle is probably never going to heal completely. I no longer wear clothing or shoes that show my ankles because they do not match. They’re sort of the same size when I first get up in the morning – but by the afternoon / evening the right one swells like a balloon. I can stop this by wrapping it with an ace bandage all day, but from an appearance perspective the end result is the same. It also fricking hurts. Every fricking day.
I am never going to be able to wear cute shoes with heels.
For this moment I feel old, permanently fat, and irreparably broken.
Before anybody kills me I am now going to remind you that I warned you of this pathetic self pity being imminent.
I have to get past this and let it all go so that I can move forward instead of wallowing stuck in this moment where I let myself think that all my efforts of the past two and a half years have been a total waste of time, as well as the faith that others have put in me. Everybody’s got that crap thing in life they’ve just gotta live with and deal with, and here’s mine. Its mean and its ugly, and I am shaking it at you. Only God knows what size I would be right now if I hadn’t been fighting so hard all this time to make a change, right? Maybe a hundred pounds heavier. Maybe already dead.
So suck it up, girl. Let it go, get over it, and SUCK IT UP.
Starting weight: 285
Goal weight: 180
Yesterday is over. Today is day one.
I'm so sorry, hon! I know a bit how that is. I was running and training before I got pregnant, and then I hurt my knee and couldn't do anything for a very long time. Then when I got pregnant, I had tendonitis and couldn't even WALK. It was so discouraging, and I just ballooned up. Since my doggie (running partner) died, I've ballooned up even more. I, too, am now higher than I was when I started consciously trying to lose weight & exercise after the baby.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some good advice, but I don't. I can offer to be a buddy though. Maybe we can keep in touch and help encourage each other or be accountable to each other. Just don't give up! You're not broken. You might be different now, but not broken. *love*
I'm still so sorry about your pup, Amanda - you and I are both still pet grieving together I think.
DeleteI know you're good at remembering this, but your body did something miraculous and productive (baby!) and you took a hit for it, but Maya and your other girls are all SO beautiful.
Thank you for the encouragement!
Too things:
ReplyDeleteONE: 285 > 180??? Honey!! You need to divide to conquer!! Once you set these numbers in your head, there's virtually no amount of hard work, blood, sweat and tears that you can commit that will make the distance between these numbers feel doable. I absolutely admire that you HAVE set a goal and every faith that you'll reach it, but you will do yourself a huge favor if you close the gap between where you're at and where you want to be THREE MONTHS FROM NOW, so maybe that's only 285 > 270 = 15lbs or 5lbs per month. THAT'S reasonable and won't overwhelm you and make you feel like you're failing. Smaller, doable bits will ultimately add up to the success you dream of!!
TWO: The piece of advice—let yourself wallow in your misery until you can't stand how much you're letting yourself wallow in your misery. I used to get in these horrible, nasty-ass funks and just take prisoners everywhere I could with my über shitty attitude. And it seemed like the harder I tried NOT to be bitchy and mopey the longer I stayed bitchy and mopey. Then I realized that the reason my funk lasted so long is that I wasn't giving myself over to it and letting it do its job, which is to let us throw a big personal pity party, get all the woe-fers out until we're emptied of woe-fers and then pull on our big-girl panties again, stand up straight and meet the world with a much better 'tude. So don't feel bad about feeling bad—just wallow and get it out of your system. I found a couple days dedicated to wallowing seemed to be just long enough to level things out.
Hang in there, kitten. You're gonna do it. ALL of it! *muah*
Amen to your advice!!! Carolyn my friend...take this and run...or shall I say baby steps!!!!!
DeleteSherryD
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DeleteE - LOL! I know it's kind of crazy to throw out a 100+ pound goal. It's sort of like when people say, "oh stop looking for a girlfriend/boyfriend, and then you'll find one." I can tell myself I'm only trying to loose 10 lbs. right now, but I can never stop thinking about the other 100 lurking there waiting for me, so I figured eh - just throw it all out there.
DeleteThank you, I think I'm past the self pity wallow now and I feel better. I just needed to get through it! *HUGS*
Sherry - Thank you!
Michele / E's letting yourself wallow advice sounds particularly good to me, letting myself wallow was a big help to me a while ago.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
My E is one smart lady! I think I'm past it now, pulling up on the other side of my self imposed ocean of self pity-ossitude. lol
DeleteGood for you! I'm glad that you took the time to be honest. You cannot heal a wound by saying it isn't there, and the first step in healing is admitting you need it. You were also right when you said you are broken. You are, I am, so is everyone else in one way or another. We both know where to go to get that brokenness fixed. It's not a matter of doubting that God CAN do this for us but, at least for me, there is a lack of faith that He WILL do it.
ReplyDeleteI know I go back to when we lived together, we both did so well then because of the support and strength we had together. I often feel that while I have amazing people who cheer me on, they don't live in my house and that makes it hard. It is so much easier to turn to the person next to for help with damage control than having to pick up the phone.
Carolyn, I know that you can do this. I wish I were closer so I could really be more helpful to you (and you helpful to me).
I will be there for you anyway I can. I love you sister!
Now if I could just keep myself off the scale weekly I'd be in good shape. It's SO tempting (and pointless) to hop on it every Friday. Oy.
DeleteI really miss living with you too, it was so good to watch over each other and cook for each other.
I love you too, Lucy!
Sorry, I'm only good for slightly practical trivia... regarding your edema, the answer is compression stocking (NOT support stockings) They are kinda pricey and virtually indestructable, as long as you don't put your fingernails through them. Yes, they are opaque, but your ankles will match and you can, theoretically, wear your cute shoes.
ReplyDeleteHuh... I never thought of this, thank you! I'm guessing that's something I could locate on the internet... *goes to hunt*
DeleteLike I said before.. this is one of the reasons I absolutely ADORE your blog and read the whole thing in like 4 days (hahaha). You are not afraid to show the frustration and despair. I'm not happy you're feeling it and wish there was something I could do to take it away, but it's still incredible that you're posting this (IMO) and sharing with people, like me, who then don't feel quite as alone when we feel the same way. :) And I love the ending: today is day one! See the halo! :D Hang in there! LUV.
ReplyDeleteMOOOON! It's so cool to see you here on my other (somewhat more popular) blog!
DeleteThank you my friend, now I gotta go listen to Hurricaines and Suns... heh.