Dr. Misfortune

My husband has a fictional alter-ego: a brilliant but extraordinarily unlucky super-villain named Dr. Manfred Misfortune.  While cleaning up some files yesterday, I stumbled across the Misfortune Manifesto as written by Ted almost ten years ago.  Seriously... how could I do anything but fall completely and utterly in love with this man?

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THE MISFORTUNE MANIFESTO

By Doctor Manfred Misfortune

When I take over the world, the following directives will be enacted and enforced (unless something goes wrong, of course):

1. I will abolish the little red strings that are supposed to open Band-Aids and never work.

2. Households with cats will get a tax cut…but those with dogs will get a tax hike. Evil geniuses favor cats, not dogs. Did you ever see a dog on a Bond villain’s lap?

3. Scientists (mad or otherwise) will get preferential treatment in bank lines, car wash lines and fast food lines.

4. All sports teams will be dissolved and all sports will be outlawed, except badminton. Robotic gladiatorial combat will become the new international pastime. 

5. I will appoint the Panda as the Minister of Punctuation. If the Panda says no, the immediate execution of the offender will take place.

6. Top hats will be brought back into style.

7. All men are to have goatees. If you cannot grow a goatee, one will be appointed for you.

8. Smoking will only be allowed at the base of rockets (not the Rocket Base, the base of the rocket) or at the place of annihilation by Thermal Death Ray®.

9. Fish Slapping Day will replace Valentine’s Day. All births will take place on Labor Day and everyone shall get a bottle of wine on Arbor Day. July 26^th will hence forth be known as Emperor’s Day and all places of business will be closed to celebrate (except Fuddrucker’s Hamburgers).

10. All future Tom Cruise movies will be banned, all past ones will be collectively erased from history. I shall create a time machine to accomplish this. Oh wait…apparently I already have and it’s gone poorly. Tom Cruise is now President and Scientology is the national religion. Whoops. Excuse me while I fix this…oh no, now I have a tail. Let me try this one more time…@h, th@t’$ b3tt3r. 

11. THERE IS NO NUMBER 11!

12. Scallywag.