One Last Kiss

I’m in a holding pattern right now.

I made the decision to change my life via a radical diet plan almost two weeks ago, but due to scheduling conflicts with getting my initial physical exam at the clinic I cannot actually begin the program until this Thursday.

On the upside, I had an EKG done yesterday morning (which is sort of like getting attacked by a large medical cephalopod) and discovered that I have a very healthy heart with a strong sinus rhythm, which of course made me immediately think about my nose.

Having made up my mind to do this, the waiting is really difficult.  There’s a certain amount of anxiety for me regarding giving up solid foods, even though they assure me that I will not be hungry on the program I fear feeling empty, depressed and out of control.  The best way I can think of to combat this is to tackle it head on and get started, get day one over with… but I have to wait.

Much like Inigo Montoya, I hate waiting.  It’s also dangerous because I have been plagued with a near constant impulse to, “EAT NOW – WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!”

I’ve been bracing myself for negative feedback from the people around me, and though there has been some it’s mostly taken the form of natural human concern over the idea of giving up food.  We are supposed to eat food – so deciding to walk away from all solids makes people understandably uncomfortable.

By and large though I’ve been blessed by abundant promises of encouragement and support from the people around me, even the ones who are slightly scared that I may be walking into doing myself medical harm.  The love I’ve felt over the last couple of days is both beautiful and overwhelming.

The other day I was complaining (okay… whining) about this interminable waiting period to my friend Kristina, who has been a beacon of positive energy and encouragement to me since the day I shyly told her what I planned to do.  She told me something about the waiting period that stopped me in my whiney tracks.  She told me that there’s a good reason for this waiting.  This time gives me an opportunity to concentrate on completely feeling and enjoying the last step before it’s time for a new beginning.  She told me to go ahead and enjoy food, because when I’m not actively behaving like an addict anymore although it will be nice, it won’t be the same.  She told me that it’s critical that I walk into this change from a place of positivity and love, not from hate or dislike.   She said it’s my time to truly love myself and who I have been all these years, and then it’s time for me to finally say goodbye.

And when I think about that, really think about saying goodbye to the fat girl I have always been – it’s harder to do than I ever thought it could be.  Not just because she was comfortable and because sitting on the sofa with a bag of chips was a satisfying thing to do, but because of how I’ve treated her all these years.  When I think of what I should say to that girl, the words that keep coming to mind are, “I’m so sorry.”

I’m sorry I never loved you the way you are.

I’m sorry I never let you be as fabulous as you could be.

I’m sorry I looked at parts of you with such vitriol that I fantasized about cutting into them with a knife.

I’m sorry I hated you when you were strong and capable and always took me wherever I wanted to go.

So I told her how sorry I was for all these things.

And then I knew it was time to give her that one last kiss goodnight.