The Quest for Maximum Support

Women have complicated relationships with their bras. Well, some of us do. Some of us feel no need for them at all and to those women I say: I sincerely envy you.

I don’t feel comfortable without one, and many times I don’t feel comfortable with one either. My eternal quest seems to be to locate the perfect sports bra that both halts all movement and doesn’t cost a fortune. This is roughly about as simple as locating the mystical rainbow-farting unicorn.

This past weekend my husband needed to pick some stuff up at a store and I tagged along with him. As he swiftly and effectively located the items on his list, I lingered in the women’s sportswear section – noticing that they had Champion sports bras on sale for a remarkably low $25.00 price tag. They also had my size in two different styles, both labeled as “Maximum Support”.

Part of me just wanted to buy them and go home, but the wiser part of my brain knew better, so I ducked into a fitting room with my potential prizes.

In both cases the size was, in fact, spot on correct. They fit well. That’s where the good part of this story ends.

One of them had a zip-front closure. This seems like a quick and easy solution for a sports bra which you need to get out of easily after it’s been soaked through from sweat, however getting it on in the first place proved nigh impossible. In order to close it I had to hold the zipper in a closed position with two hands, then use two other hands to actually pull the zipper up. In other words, to properly operate this bra you need four hands. As I am a standard model two-handed human, that wasn’t working for me.

The other one featured a pull-on-over-the-head configuration. While these seem simple, I’ve learned from past experience that the slightest moisture on one’s skin can cause that to go very bad very quickly. Also, I feel as though yanking bras on over my head stretches them out of shape a lot faster. Additionally, it was a pull-on-over-the-head bra that for some silly reason also had hook and eye closures in the back. So after pulling it on you had to blindly grope behind you to get them closed.

Who designs these things?

Sadly, Champion’s idea of “maximum” hold in either case was an outright laugh riot. If I tried to do Zumba in either of these bras I’d have suffered a knockout blow when one or both halves of my frontal landscape swung upward mid-jump and socked me in the head.

Sigh. The quest continues.

Looks deceptively simple, doesn't it?

If you think it's nigh impossible to get one of these closed while blindly groping behind you, you would be correct.