Disconnect

I realized today that there is a profound disconnect between what my body feels like it’s doing, and what it looks like it’s doing.

Let me explain…

Today; Sandi and I had our pictures taken quite a lot. We’re looking for decent photos to put on the website that my husband Ted is putting together for us for our RPG (read: role playing game) production company: Thalia Productions.

We wanted some fun, appealing photos of the two of us for the site and our friend Chris took them for us with his mighty fine camera and mighty fine skills.

They honestly looked great, from what I could see of them on the little camera screen, but I couldn’t help but notice something… In posing, I would feel like I was doing a particularly good or exaggerated pose; back arched, or hip out, neck cocked or what have you. However when I see the photo itself I always just sort of look like I’m standing there, lumpy as always, no matter how far I tried to push the pose.

I can only guess this is the result of my body being literally masked by a layer of fat. And I even remember being told this way back in acting class; that being overweight in acting is a heavy (haha) liability, in part because fat people aren’t considered pretty by the industry and the farther away you look from ‘standard’ the fewer roles will be available to you. However it’s also a liability because you have to push through that much harder for what you’re doing to be visible outside of your layers. Fat blunts you; like wrapping heavy cotton gauze all over your body that you then have to work through in order to be seen. I found that out the hard way today.

On the upside I have to say; I really didn’t think I looked bad. Fat yes, not posed very dramatically yes, but Chris did an amazing job, and I do have a pretty face.

I’m happy with how it went, but I have to admit I’m also looking forward to trying it again once I’ve finally freed myself from all of these stifling layers. I’m looking forward to leaving my cocoon, to peeling away all the protective layering, and seeing what I’ll actually be able to do and feel without them.