I’ve spent three days now mostly cut off from fellow human beings that are not Ted.
It’s not that I’m precisely a horror to be around, but I’m not myself. I’m headachy, a little dizzy, tired, unfocused and somewhat emotional.
Everyone keeps telling me I will adjust, and I admit that each day it’s a tiny bit better. However on a calorie count this low I don’t get hungry, I get non-functional. I went for five hours today without having anything and found it to be a pretty big error. Walking through the grocery store with Ted I found it difficult to focus past the pain in my skull on what he was saying.
To explain – I’m currently taking in around 800 to 1,000 calories per day. Most days I exercise, which removes almost 300 of those calories. One day after subtracting my workout I realized I’d effectively had only 400 calories. This is basically what the clinic defines as “VLCD” or Very Low Calorie Diet, and yes, you need to sign off on a lot of disclaimers and have blood tests before you attempt it.
You would think I might feel hungry constantly on this, but I’m really not – I’m simply never full. Being not hungry and being full are actually two pretty different things.
So while I’m trying to get my head back together, I’m avoiding people a little bit. Adding the energy expenditure of attempting to be engaging and social on top of everything else going on is just not something I can handle right now.
I also haven’t been able to resist the temptation to stay off the scale, I was curious. After 48 hours I appeared to have dropped about six pounds. However on the third day I appeared to gain a pound back, and as of tonight I am back to my starting weight.
The up and down going on is utterly mystifying to me and has bred a terrible fear that I’m going to go to the clinic for weigh in on Tuesday night only to find that after six days on fewer than 1,000 calories a day I’ve failed to have lost a single pound.
This is followed by more fear that they will accuse me of cheating (which I have not done) and the even worse pathological fear that there is literally nothing I can do to lose weight, no matter what extreme actions I take.
And all of this led to my first well and true flip out tonight, of course directed at Ted who has been a pillar of calm, strength, love and support since day one. I vaguely remember it involving me yelling that I absolutely positively cannot sustain this program if I’m not rewarded with pounds lost every week. Or something like that, maybe with crying.
Of course I realize all these hysterics may be the result of my very lousy digital bathroom scale being wrong, as anyone who owns one knows – those things aren’t exactly the definition of reliable.
So that’s where I am. Cocooned right now and trying to find my equilibrium again.