Selfish

Last night, I was selfish.

I was supposed to go have a fantastic dinner with friends, followed by a fun RPG – and I bailed and went to the gym instead.

Okay I know it sounds more like I’m being a diet martyr than selfish but you have to follow my reasoning. For one thing, I have a lot of guilt when it comes to not showing up for activities where people are expecting to see me. I perceive that people are disappointed in me and put guilt on myself on their behalf – even when most of the time they’re like as not perfectly fine and respectful to what I decided I need to do.

But on top of that – my time at the gym is all about me. It’s for me, it’s focused on me. Most of what an adult woman such as myself does in a given day is not generally all about them; we’re either working for somebody else, or we’re home cooking for a group, or taking care of an errand or chore. These things are for us of course – but they’re also about the other people in our lives. The gym is totally selfish. It’s my body, it’s my goal, and it’s my dream.

Last night I favored it over the group of friends who I adore seeing and hanging out with – and I had to push past feeling guilty about that, because these are the same friends who totally have my back so to speak. They get it. They know what I’m doing and they’re there for me.

On a normal week this wouldn’t have been necessary but you see I’ve got a challenge coming up – a weekend away from home for the first time since I began. I’ll have another opportunity to exercise Friday morning but then I won’t get in my weekend excursion; so it was twice as important to squeak it in last night.

I’m actually not all that worried about the weekend away. There will be no less than five or six different people there watching out for me, like I’ll be watching out for some of them. And a few of us already have an agreement to seek out the hotel pool or weight room if available while we’re there.

So last night I was selfish, I was all about me. It’s like my determination to leave work early enough to get to the gym on a weeknight. Like my avoidance of certain buffet restaurants right now and my requests for healthy alternatives when invited to dinner. Somewhat contrary to my customary nature of people pleasing – but sort of liberating nonetheless.