"Boobs is News"

I can type with my breasts. Not on purpose, it happens when I lean over my desk at work to reach for something far away while I’m working on a project. I’ll then look back at the computer screen and notice something to the effect of:

“bbbbbnnnnnnnnnnnnnnonooooooooooooooooooo……..” or just a whole lot of extra spaces since the space bar is the easiest key for me to activate with my womdigious mammaries.

I’m not saying I type well with my breasts, I’m just saying I can. I wonder if I’ll still be able to do that when I’m slimmer? Hey at least I’ve found a use for them; they’ve never done anything particularly talented before; like feed a child as is their purpose for instance. Thus far they’ve done little except sit around looking impressive in tight shirts and effectively filling out a corset.

Honestly I’m extremely well endowed; a recent nightmarish measuring that took place at a Department store revealed my cup size as triple D. TRIPLE. I thought I was a plain D, not even a double – but no, I was triple. The supportive friends who were with me and had to watch all the color drain out of my face at the revelation quickly tried to reassure me and remind me that men (most importantly my husband) adore huge boobs. We were there in the first place because they had noticed that I appeared to be wearing the wrong bra size. My cup was running over… and over… so to speak.

It’s not really the point though… to me it’s all just fat. I have huge boobs because I’m fat. I know this because when I’ve lost weight in the past, my boobs have always been the first thing to shrink.

Now for example as I’m approaching the twenty pound mark; I’ve noticed two differences in myself. One – that my wedding ring has started falling off; I briefly lost it in the freezer last night when I reached in for something. And two – that the new bras I purchased the day of the humiliating fitting are slipping off my shoulders and seem slightly too big.

And apparently I had fat fingers and didn’t even realize it… my hands do look big to me (not man-hands big, just female-big) but they never exactly looked fat. Except of course in pictures… more than once I’ve seen a picture that showed my hands and forearms and had to eye back and forth between it and the live image in front of me trying to figure out why they looked so pudgy in pictures.

My hands look so normal to me when I’m just looking at them; I don’t know if I’m seeing the truth in pictures or if it’s that “camera adds ten pounds” thing.

Anyway… there’s my hidden talent; boob typing. Sign me up for Letterman’s ‘Stupid Human Tricks’.